At work today I received an email that was along these lines:

I need to follow up with the CRG and the MID before we escalate to the CDO and action with the DFIM.

I replied:

OK.

I rolled my eyes, I tutted loudly and shook my head, but I eventually got over the gratuitous use of acronyms.

A little later I received an email along these lines:

We need to escalate these dates to the relevant parties. It is key that we make direct contact so we can loop back and raise the issue and cascade to those involved to ascertain how to progress at this juncture locally moving forward.

This made me want to set fire to myself.

Why couldn’t it just say ‘Please email the relevant people. We need to resolve this issue.’ That is basically what it was implying. We don’t need to cascade, loop back, or escalate. And we definitely don’t need to move forward. I hate that phrase. The only time it is acceptable is when used in sentences such as ‘Please move forward, you are blocking my light’, or ‘Keep moving forward, those of us at the back can’t hear Becky’s hilarious joke’. That sort of thing.

Just because it’s an email and just because you’re talking about reasonably important matters does NOT mean that you can make words look ridiculous. It’s not fair on the words.

So after being annoyed by things other people said at work, I thought I’d treat myself to a new dress. And at a checkout, the following transaction ensued with the insatiably friendly checkout girl:

Checkout girl: Did you find everything you needed today?
Me: Yes thank you.
Checkout girl: Okay, and is this everything for you today?
Me: Yes. Thanks.
Checkout girl: Lovely. And will you be paying by cash or card today?
Me: Card.
Checkout girl: Great. Just pop your card in there for me… Lovely. And would you like your receipt in the bag today?
Me: …Yes.
Checkout: Great. Thanks for shopping with us today!

STOP SAYING TODAY.

I know she was just being friendly and I know we all fall into a script when we have to say the same thing over and over again, day in day out, but      come                    on.

Then I got home and found this postcard on the mat:

Well, that really took the biscuit. I screwed it up very tightly, threw it away, and very moodily drunk a glass of squash.

If people aren’t going to say things properly, then they just shouldn’t say them at all.

There. Rant over.