Becky says things about … the Great British summertime

Imagine if you can, dear reader, the following situations:

1) Your pal rings you up one morning and says ‘Hey there chum, do you fancy going to the seaside for the day? We can sunbathe on the beach, build sandcastles, lark around on the pier and eat ice cream until we feel dizzy.’ And you reply ‘That sounds brilliant! Let me just find my bucket and spade and it’s game on!’

2) Your pal rings you up one afternoon and says ‘Hey there chum, do you fancy going for a stroll along the river in our shorts and sandals? Perhaps we can stop for a strawberry split and an ice cold lemonade along the way.’ And you reply ‘That sounds super! Let me just slap on a bit of suncream and I’m there!’

3) Your pal rings you up one evening and says ‘Hey there chum, do you fancy coming over for a BBQ? I’ve got sausages, burgers, kebabs, AND haloumi, I’ve covered our laurel bushes with fairy lights and I’ve got smooth jazz on.’ And you reply ‘That sounds marvellous! I’ll just pick up some champagne and some strawberries and I’ll be right over.’

4) Basically any situation that involves your pal ringing you up and suggesting doing outdoor things.

You can’t imagine it, can you? I mean, you literally cannot imagine a situation where any of those things would ever happen.

I shall tell you why that is, dear friend. It is because

it has rained for the past one thousand years.

It is July 2nd. The summer holidays are almost upon us. We are hosting the world’s greatest sporting spectacle. Our country is providing the roads on which the greatest cycling athletes known to Man will attempt to display their incredible Olympic-standard skills.

We are supposed to be showing off our green and pleasant land, shouting to the world that Britain isn’t this sad, gloomy place where everyone is miserable, pale and slightly unwell-looking, and where no one has even heard of Vitamin D.

Instead, we shall confirm to the world that all of the above are true, we will give hypothermia to important state members of foreign countries, we will kill off most of the world’s tourist population by providing healthy doses of trench foot as they stand watching the 100 meter sprint in three feet of mud, and still it will continue to rain.

Reader, I remember summers that wereΒ sunny. I remember frolicking on sunny Cornish beaches, I remember hot afternoons eating chicken drumsticks in National Trust gardens, I remember long, warm evenings where the air was filled with the smell of roasting meat, where lights twinkled in the blue dusk and I ate Kettle Chips until it was no longer safe to do so. IΒ rememberΒ this. Was it all a dream? Have I gone mad? Have I been imagining a place that doesn’t exist?

We can only sit and wait. Wait until this disgusting, miserable, foul, revolting, repulsive, horrendous, shitty weather has a word with itself, the sun remembers it’s supposed to be working and gets off its lazy arse, and we all get that obligatory British strip of sunburn over one shoulder.

20 thoughts on “Becky says things about … the Great British summertime

  1. Lol @ The pictures! You’re just TOO funny πŸ˜€

    Our seasons are well knackered now, snowing in Spring, hot weather in Winter, pissing it down in the Summer, what’s going?! The end of the world that’s what!

    1. It’s the end of the world as we know it. Well, actually, this is all we’ve ever know, as far as I know, so maybe it’s the beginning of something we don’t know, or the end of something we thought we knew but actually didn’t, and we’re about to find out….

      1. Either way we’re screwed. We’ll all be dead at the end of the year anyway, those Mayans weren’t idiots!

  2. Hahaha, I love the drawing of the cyclists!
    If it makes you feel any better – on Saturday we were actually planning a BBQ by the lake AND I got a shiny new mountain bike with the idea of going biking on Sunday when… all hell broke loose with wind at 80mph and hailstorm with hailstones larger than my fists on Sunday morning. Granted, the hail subsided but it has been raining pretty much non-stop ever since then. Good writing weather though πŸ˜‰ (Or lying around with a bowl of something yummy and some questionable TV) πŸ™‚

  3. Very funny! I hope you get some nice weather. Or, would it be more true to form to really experience the wet, rainy British summer?! I’m sure it will be beautiful. Can’t wait for the Olympics! Anyway, I was laughing at your comments at Idiot-prufs about the mermaids. πŸ˜€

  4. Haha – loving this blog your stickmen rule πŸ™‚

    At the risk of sounding a total arse, we left London and have been living in Barbados for over two years…but it is tooo hot here! I would give anything for a bit of cold grey…if only for a few days.

    Keep on smiling πŸ™‚

    1. Well, you don’t sound like a total arse but I do immediately HATE you for complaining about having some sun… πŸ™‚
      Thank you so much for reading! Enjoy the sun!

  5. Hi Becky, my lovely husband (who is a big blogging fan) forwarded me the link to your 50 shades post and it made me laugh so much that I had to read your other posts! Love the doodle drawings, especially the one with the fish jumping up and smacking the cyclist in the face! Oh dear my colleagues now think I am mad for laughing so much at my screen. Hope the sun comes out soon πŸ˜€

  6. Here in America, we would kindly like to ask you to stop hogging all the rain. πŸ™‚ It’s been unbearably hot all summer and we’re in a terrible drought. Now I see where all the rain has been!

    If it makes you feel better, I made my first international trip this past winter to England and the weather was gorgeous for winter time. It was mild and dry. Thanks for giving this Yank a good impression!

    1. Urgh. I’ve heard you’re all basking in glorious sunshine over there. Look, we’ll do a swap ok? You chuck over some sun and we’ll ship over ALL our rain, because God knows we don’t need any more. That sound ok?

      1. I think the suffering farmers in the midwest would make that deal with you in a heartbeat. The funny thing is that we had your problem with rain last year, and we complained. Now it’s been record high temps with no rain and we’re complaining again.

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