Becky says things about … fifty shades of my life I’ll never get back.

Dear E.L James

I’ve just finished reading your record-breaking bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey, and I’ve got a few things I’d like to talk about.

1. Well done for writing a novel. Oh no, wait – three novels. Well done. I haven’t written a novel. So well done, again. You’ve done something a lot of people haven’t. But please don’t write any more. Ever. Okay? Thanks.

2. Not that you’ll need one if you adhere to point 1, but please sack your editor. Did you have an editor for this book, E.L James? Because he didn’t cut the mustard. If you’d had an editor, why would he have let things like this go?

‘Saturdays at the store are a nightmare.We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes. Mr. and Mrs. Clayton and John and Patrick – the other two part-timers – and I are besieged by customers.’

It’s a terrible bit of writing, E.L James. Why didn’t your editor say ‘Look, E.L James, you’ve used the word ‘besieged’ already. You can’t use it again. That’s twice in two sentences. Real, credible authors just don’t do that.’ But maybe he said ‘Actually, this is just one of a staggering number of instances in which you repeat yourself and use the same word, and I can’t be bothered to go through them all, so go ahead, do what you want.’ That’s probably what happened.

3. Find me a woman, E.L James, who had such a mind-blowingly beautiful, erotic and pleasurable experience as Ana does losing her virginity. Can’t find one? Well maybe that’s because there isn’t one. Anywhere. In the world. Losing one’s virginity – and I won’t dwell on this point, E.L James, because my mum reads this blog – is, as everyone knows, less like this:

and more like this:

It’s a fact, E.L James. A cold, hard fact. Real women are less likely to have an earth-shattering orgasm whilst losing their virginity, and more likely to realise that they’ve just entered a world that’s a bit messy, slightly uncomfortable, and ultimately a little disappointing, so there’ll be no shattering earths here. Which brings me neatly onto my next point.

4. Orgasms, E.L James. We need to talk about orgasms. If real women had as many earth-shattering orgasms as Ana does in any 24 hour period, they would be dead. If real women only needed a bit of a stroke and a couple of thrusts in order to have an earth-shattering orgasm, the world would either be deafened by the sound of constantly climaxing couples, or in total silence, as couples sit around not talking to each other as they realise that the novelty has very quickly worn off and they’re actually both a bit tired.

5. People with a penchant for slightly dodgy, slightly outlandish pastimes, such as tying their naked girlfriends to giant crucifixes and hitting them with stuff, don’t necessarily have to be fucked up in order to justify said dodgy pastime. I know someone who really likes visiting model villages, and he’s not fucked up. He didn’t feel the need to justify his hobby. He just really likes small houses.

So if you want to write about a dude who’s into some kinky shit, E.L James, you don’t necessarily need to drop the worst bombshell in the history of terrible bombshells in order to explain why he’s into the kinky shit: ‘The woman who brought me into this world was a crack-whore.’ Wasn’t convinced by that, E.L James. Sorry.

6. Holy crap, E.L James, one of the first things I noticed when I started, holy shit, reading your novel, was – oh my – your tremendous, I mean, holy crap, tremendous amount of repetitive asides that, holy fuck, really, really, oh my holy crap holy shit really got on my wick. Oh my, E.L James, did those repetitive asides get on my wick. Why, E.L James? Apparently, Ana says ‘Oh my’ over 200 times throughout the whole book. It’s a 500 page book. That’s roughly one ‘Oh my’ every two and a half pages. That’s too much, E.L James. Just way, way too much.

Just a few pointers there, E.L James, in case you were ever thinking of writing another book (please see point 1). Unfortunately, reading your book made me want to do this to myself:

Sorry about that.

Anyway, enjoy the money, go on holiday, buy a car, a mansion, a nice watch. Whatever.

Yours faithfully


67 thoughts on “Becky says things about … fifty shades of my life I’ll never get back.

  1. Haven’t read the book. Don’t intend to. Just bloody mindedness not to read something that ‘everyone’ is reading. However, your comments made me laugh out loud and I wish you would put your mind to David Lodge as well. Another author who needs a good editor, particularly for “A Man of Parts”. Never in my life have I counted how many pages I had left. Had to read it for book club otherwise I would have abandoned it early on.

  2. Hahahahha… I love your use of images and sarcasm. I haven’t read this trilogy yet. Also don’t intend to. I’ve heard more bad than good regarding it. Thanks for the laugh!

  3. Loved this post! I’m so tired of everyone obsessing about this series. I read it out of curiousity but unlike most people, I HAD to put it down several hundred times, and also read two other books in between because I wanted to poke my eyes out. I just wish the author could read your post. πŸ˜‰

  4. I like erotica, I write it myself. I don’t have issues with sex either, in fact I’m going to do a bunch of blogs on the topic and pubes too, for good measure. But I cannot get on board with a tale which prints HOLY COW! in caps lock. I can’t do it lol. I kept expecting her to say ‘Batman!’ afterwards.

    Good for EL James for shifting units, a whole bunch of them will be purchased on the basis of curiousity alone because of the hoopla. I’m not going to diss anyone who’s read them or loves them. Each to their own innit?

    But really I’m here to say I loved your post, it tickled me, tremendously and your drawings were aces! Glad I visited. x

    1. Thank you for visiting! I am totally with you 100% – I have no issues whatsoever with erotica or sex or pubes or anything disgusting that goes with sex… I just have issues with terrible, terrible writing! And if Anastasia had said ‘HOLY COW, BATMAN!’ even just the once, the book would have gone up miles in my estimation!
      Thanks again for reading!

  5. First post I’ve read (found you through the Blog of Funny Names) and OH MY! You are my kind of girl. Hilarious. Love it. I will subscribe.

    I haven’t read the book because I heard it was so poorly written, and because there are whole libraries full of erotica that isn’t crap, and because I am sick to death of hearing about it and won’t contribute to the book sales. But I am very glad you made the point that people who like kink are not all fucked up children of crack whores. I didn’t know she gave him that ridiculous back story; now I have one more reason not to read it.

    1. I know! That line made me gasp out loud on the train and look around wildly for someone to tell about it… alas there was no one. I eat Marmite out of the jar… my mother is not a crack whore.
      Thanks for reading, I appreciate it πŸ™‚

      1. That would be a tough moment to share with a total stranger, indeed. But I would have had the same impulse.

  6. Brilliant blog Becky! It really tickled me. I’ve purposely refused to read it/them. I’m not shy to a bit of porn/erotica, and honestly don’t see the desire to read the book equivalent of “The Lover’s Guide…” I wasn’t that impressed with that VHS at 14, I doubt there’ll be anything more interesting, or honest about sex in 50 Shades either. Wish women would feel a bit more confident about erotica, and push the boat out. There is so much better to read out there! πŸ˜€
    PS – heart the stick figures. The world needs more of them!

    1. Thank you! Excellent points. It’s all harmless banter, really, but just terribly written banter, unfortunately. And you’re quite right, there’s SO Much better out there! Thanks for dropping by πŸ™‚

  7. Oh, this made me laugh. I have a co-worker who has been trying to force her copy of 50… on me for ages now and can’t seem to understand why I don’t want to join her book (and I use that term loosely) club. I may have to print this out and bring it to work tomorrow…!!! πŸ™‚

  8. Is it really that commendable for someone to write a novel if they don’t do a good job on it?

    Oh, and just for the record, I would be totally fine with you repeatedly talking about the many things that got “on your wick” in your novel…which you should really get cracking on, because it’d be the best thing ever, as long as you didn’t hire a professional illustrator. I feel like some good British figures of speech could really help my own comedy writing. To me, there’s just something about terms like “dodgy” and “outlandish” that causes them to do whatever the opposite of getting on one’s wick is.

    1. ‘Dodgy’ is a good word, that’s for sure, as is ‘outlandish’. And here’s a good English phrase for you – ‘willy nilly’. Heard of that? To be used in sentences such as ‘You can’t go around talking to people willy nilly’ – i.e. to do something in a slapdash, unplanned sort of way. It’s brilliant. I will use it in a sentence today, in fact.
      And I have no intention of hiring a professional illustrator! I’m quite happy with my little stickmen on Microsoft Paint! (Hah, I was about to click ‘reply’, and realised I’d written ‘Pain’ – imagine that – ‘Microsoft Pain’ – that’s something Bill Gates needs to get his hands into….)

  9. Yes! I love it! Finally a woman that isn’t harping on about that fucking book. That quote you posted is the only bit of the book I’ve ever read and from that I can see she’s an untalented sexually deprived reject.

    Anyone can write “He stuck it in her and it came out of her eye. “Oh my.” She thought.”

    It’s mainly gonna be bored housewives that read that trash, wishing their failed marriage involved some sort of kinkyness that’s never existed in their lives.

  10. And looking on Wikipedia, she mainly wrote Fanfiction before, and turned one of her Twilight novels into 50 Shades of Grey. So that’s the kind of person we’re dealing with here.

  11. A link to this literary observation on the “latest hot thing” is posted on a football supporters forum, and would like to inform you that it is getting far better reviews than the 50 Shades ever will. God work Becky.

    1. Wow! How did it end up on a football website?! Would you be able to post me the link? I’m glad people are enjoying it! Thank you so much for the kind words, I really appreciate it πŸ™‚

  12. Brilliant. The sad part is, Ms James won’t take any notice of the editor bit because she’s made a fortune, and will continue to do so especially when the movie is made. Whereas the rest of us will get picked up for using the same word ten pages apart….but thank you for making me smile on supermarket day which I hate!

  13. God I hope she reads this. I too like your stick figures; that’s basically what I do for my day job and yours are both funnier and arguably more illustrative than stuff that takes me days…

    Are those butterflies I see in that orgasm picture? Is that something I can look out for? Finally! A clue! If she’s faking: no butterflies.

  14. I am besieged with laughter. Am I using besieged correctly because I besiegedly hope so? I enjoy when Christian just says “Come” and Ana does like any trained dog would. It’s such beautiful romance.

  15. Murmur…. you forgot murmur… seriously! does this “author” even know the MEANING of the word murmur?!!!! If I ever see that word again I will loose every last braincell that childbearing was forgiving enough to leave me with!!!!!

      1. It just comes across as an amatueurs work, like a fan fic or something that someone might write and put online but never actually think to PUBLISH it!!!!

  16. I don’t think it was the best book ever written. I won’t bother reading the other two in the trilogy. Would I bother writing a long and bitter blog post about a book that I clearly disliked,no. Everyone’s a critic.

    1. So we should only write about things we like? This post was hilarious and maybe you are the bitter one if you can’t accept a bit of humour.

      1. The book is awful, really, but did I enjoy it? For some bizarre reason, yes I did. And it’s because I’ve read it right through, that I can also enjoy the parodies and these type of humorous reviews. Long may they continue.

      2. I’m not bitter, in all honesty I don’t care that much about the book, the author or anything else about it to be bitter. I just voiced my opinion. Without humour. I must of been having a bad day.

  17. I am sad to see that you only accept commentary on your blog that agrees with your opinions. I see my comment was not put up after moderation, oh well, You need to learn to take some critique if you can dish it out in such vast quantities.

  18. 50 shades of Chav.

    “As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.”

    “It was Dwayne’s birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time.”

    “Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you”

    My Tan was 11 Shades of Orange. “As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn’t work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn’t be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same.”

    “My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had fucked his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ars. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections.”

    “I had a week to myself, bliss. The kids were all at their respective dads apart from Shakira whose dad was on remand. Luckily her Grandma was home as this time last year she was in Malia on an 18-30. Dwayne wanted me to be a Dominatrix but I couldn’t get the gear as the new security guard at Ann Summers was a right git. I had to improvise.
    I put on my fave slag wellies and wrapped bin bags around my muffin tops. For the mask I pulled my old black period pants over my head. I looked like gothic Vanessa Feltz attempting a bank job. Dwayne looked well chuffed as he had scored some Viagra off his dealer.
    I climbed on top but the idiot was asleep. He had bought diazepam my mistake.
    I tried to get him inside me but it was like trying to push toothpaste back into the tube. Finishing myself on the kids buzz light-year wasn’t my finest hour

    1. That is genius. Pure genius. ‘Like breadsticks either side of an orange’ was my favorite bit. That’s the thing that woman has written isn’t it? It should SO be published.

  19. I’m so loving all the parodies and reviews. Even the title lends itself to humour – the gangster version, 50 Shades of Kray, the version where instead of Ana, it’s Andrew, 50 Shades of Gay, the fairy story, Fifty Shades of Fae – and my favourite, the Irish version, Fifty Shades of Green.

  20. Thank you for writing this, as I never need to now. I agree with each point you made, and feel my IQ dropped at least 10 points as a result of subjecting myself to E L James’ blathering drivel. Your analysis has helped me regain perhaps 5 of those points, as well as a modicum of my sanity (which I had lost after the first 10 ‘holy craps’). Thank you.

    1. I’m very glad to have helped to regain some of your brain power. To be honest it’s a miracle I was able to write this blog post after reading what is officially the Worst. Book. Ever. Written. Ever. In. The. World. Ever. I hope you are able to get back to some kind of normality after the horrible experience of this astounding crapness. And thank you for reading! πŸ™‚

  21. Haha, really enjoyed this! I read (okay, more like skipped) through her first book and was absolutely stunned at how bad her writing was. The whole thing is just mind numbing drivel. I don’t think I have ever wasted time on a worse book – and I have read some rubbish books! How did this even get published? And how can anybody with half a brain read the whole thing and not fall into a coma? I don’t get it. I have to say, though…after watching a few interviews with her and seeing how utterly bland she is, you have to give her some credit for being able to string lots of words together. Even though they are mostly the same words πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you for reading! I totally agree, it took me days to feel normal again after reading her utter drivel. I think I might have fallen into a coma at one point, but to be honest I would much prefer to be in a coma than have to read any more of that nonsense.
      Thank you for reading! πŸ™‚

  22. Amazing post, I have EXACTLY the same opinions of this godawful book. I am doing the ‘reading it cause everyone else has’ thing and I die a little inside every time Ana’s inner fucking goddess does a back flip. Jesus. But reading your blog has cheered me up no end, Thanks πŸ™‚

    1. Ana’s inner goddess can go to hell, along with ‘fifty shades of fucked up’ Christian and anyone else remotely associated with that book. Then perhaps the rest of us will be at peace. (Thank you so much for reading!)

  23. I know this is a very old blog of yours but just to let you know I just posted the link to it on Jason Manford’s facebook page as he was asking for funny things relating to to 50 shades. So basically what i’m saying is if he knicks your jokes… SUE!!

  24. This is hilarious!! Absolutely made my night! Can’t wait to share with others and read the rest of your blog πŸ™‚

  25. I must say even though I loved the 50 shades trilogy, this post made me laugh!! You are funny Becky and your doodles are even funnier!
    The book is badly written but for a first time author who cares?! It’s all about the kinky fuckery and she done well explaining that! I know loads of women who dislike the book and loads of women who love it – including me! So each to their own I say…
    I am however still waiting for ‘my Christian Grey’ …. Hurry up mate!!

    1. You’re right, it is all about the kinky fuckery (great phrase) – and for that, the book can’t be faulted!
      Thank you for reading and glad you enjoyed it! (And when you find your Christian Grey, can you let me know where you got him from….?) πŸ™‚

YOU say things!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s