Becky says things about … why Britain should never doubt itself again

The list of ‘How Britain Can Make a Huge Cock Up of Everything During the Olympics’ was endless. Our weather would be terrible, we’d never live up to Beijing, there’d be huge pile-ups at passport control, the stadium would collapse, the fireworks wouldn’t go off, the water in the Aquatic centre would be the wrong type of blue, the doors to the Velodrome would open the wrong way, we’d present an opening ceremony filled with Morris Dancers and bell ringing, and the rest of the world would be sitting smugly in front of their TVs and pointing and laughing.

These Games have cost more money than it would cost to ditch our world and build another, bigger, better, and more fun world in the space of galaxy next to us, and then ship all 7 billion people from our world to that world in a fleet of ten colossal and luxurious spaceships with indoor swimming pools and cinemas, then give everyone a million pounds as a welcome into the new world and a sign of good will, and finally blow up the old world to provide us all on the new world with a fantastic fireworks display. That’s a lot of money. And we’ve voiced our thoughts on how much money it is.

Like we do for everything, us Brits anticipated these Games with acute dread and prepared to heinously embarrass ourselves.


I think we all deserve to give ourselves an apology.

Maybe we’ll learn from this – maybe we’ll stop shrouding ourselves in pessimism, stop fearing the worst, stop apologising (let’s face it, we’d all prepared a written apology to read to the rest of the world after we’d cocked everything up, hadn’t we?), stop being embarrassed by ourselves and everything we stand for, and instead hold our little heads up and say ‘We’re British. And we’re fucking brilliant.’

12 thoughts on “Becky says things about … why Britain should never doubt itself again

  1. Just when I thought I had mastered British slang, you drop the term “cock up” about 10 words into your post. I have a lot to learn.

    Why do the British feel like they’ll screw everything up? Don’t you lads and ladies have a track record of being pretty darn good at things?

  2. Yeah we are!! Woo hoo!!!!
    Although…. we do still have the closing ceremony to think of, where I suspect that the world will see that ‘Britain’s biggest girlband’ are indeed just a bunch of middle-aged women that still sound like a bag of cats being swung repeatedly against a brick wall.

    1. Oh God I totally forgot about that. Oh cripes. Oh ruddy buckets. To have two weeks of utter glory ruined by some botoxed 90s throwbacks would be a travesty to end all travesties.

    1. Haha – well, maybe not, as he has done a super job of everything. But maybe once in a while he could be woken by a single-word abusive phonecall in the middle of the night, just for spending so much of our hard-earned cash.

      1. He did indeed do a great job, and he can’t actually be honoured any more than he already is, which I find very funny for some reason.
        I think the most annoying thing for him is that they don’t address him as ‘Lord Twat’.

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