Having just undergone an enforced period of saying-things absence due to the need to write my university dissertation, I feel I am very well equipped to say things about procrastination.
A writer’s life is made up of 5% thinking, 8% writing, and 87% procrastinating. Every writer knows that. But the range of avoidance tactics a writer will employ to avoid sitting down and actually doing some writing is nothing short of astounding.
1. Eating
Don’t write that short story, have six slices of toast and Marmite instead! And then, hell, make a cake! Then eat the cake! And then because it’s time for dinner, make dinner – and eat dinner! And hey presto, not a single word written! Hurrah!
2. Cleaning
Hang on, are you really about to sit down and try to plot that novel you’ve been meaning to write for five years? Good gracious, woman, don’t you realise that the back of the tumble dryer needs cleaning? I mean, there really isn’t a moment to lose! Run, run from your desk and your evilly blinking Microsoft Word cursor, and clean! Because after you’ve tackled the tumble dryer, just take a moment to think: have you ever cleaned out the dishwasher filter? Hmm? Have you? Well maybe you should do it! RIGHT NOW!
3. YouTube-ing
Oh, YouTube. How many bestselling novels would I have written if it weren’t for your irresistible videos of people falling into open manholes and drunk grandmas burping the alphabet. I’ll just sit down and do a spot of writing – got a good character I want to develop, explore some really interesting themes and make a social commentary on the declining morals of the 21st century OH BUT HANG ON, THERE’S A KITTEN THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT’S SAYING I LOVE YOU WHEN IT MEOWS!!!!!!
4. Exercise
No one really likes exercise. No one would choose to do exercise over something fun like, say, watching videos of babies farting on YouTube. But when it’s a choice between sitting down to try and work out that rather fiddly bit of plotting, and running literally anywhere, then it’s running, every time. You suddenly realise how idle you’ve been recently, how you haven’t done any exercise for AGES, and, heavens to Betsy, if you don’t do some RIGHT NOW you will wake up tomorrow and be eighty stone and as it’s such a lovely day you must run out of the door NOW and just RUN RUN RUN AS FAR AWAY FROM YOUR LAPTOP AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE ISN’T EXERCISE BRILLIANT??
Or you start doing weights. Lots and lots of weights. Don’t write that synopsis, pump some IRON. You know bodybuilders? How do you think they got so big?
5. Developing a New Interest
Isn’t it funny, that every time you open up a blank Microsoft Word document to start a new story, you suddenly realise you’ve developed a burning interest in 13th century architecture? Or French knitting bobbins. Or how hemorrhoids form. And luckily, because your computer is connected to the internet, you can close that blank Microsoft Word document and spend six hours Googling your newfound interests! Isn’t the internet WONDERFUL?
6. Running Away
The most desperate of procrastination attempts. You can sit in front of your laptop all you want, you can twirl that pen around between your fingers, you can open and close all your creative writing books, but there’s no escaping the fact that you’re going to run away. I did that once. I got in my car and drove 40 miles to Reading. For literally no reason at all. When I got to Reading, I drove back again. Killed three hours. No writing. Job done. Just run for the hills.
Procrastination is all well and good. It is part of life’s rich tapestry. It is only when your time has come and you’re in the queue at the pearly gates that you might regret it.
Related articles
- Five Reasons to Stop Procrastinating (and Start Writing) (joeberhardt.com)
- Writers are beating procrastination by blocking their internet access (inktuition.net)
BECKY SAYS THINGS 
Becky, this is PERFECT!!!!!
Well believe me, when it comes to procrastinating, I know what I’m talking about 🙂
hahaha–I am sharing on FB, it is that good 😉
Thank you 🙂
Yay you’re back!
*ahem* I mean, whatevs init.
I meant to write something interesting as a comment, but I’m too busy weightlifting a pound cake into my mouth.
Gosh, me too. My muscles are HUGE, man.
guilty on all counts. hilarious 🙂
I thought it would ring true with several people! Thanks for reading 🙂
You hit the nail on the head. I seem to procrastinate. Period. Including following this blog. I promise, though, that I’ve been thinking about subscribing for quite some time. 😉
Well as long as you were thinking about it, that’s the first step to success. Thank you! 🙂
Haha! Apart from all of these, I also read and comment on other blogs to take away from the fact that I am not actually writing!
Haha, oh how I missed your posts. This was great and so frickin true. I’m such a procrastinator. Love it. 🙂
Everyone is a procrastinator – fact. It’s just that writers do it so much better than everyone else. Thank you for reading dude 🙂
OMG!!! I spit coffee all over my new blouse today reading this…I’ll KNOW better next time. I’ll be sure to wear the Flannel one with gravy stains all over the front. 🙂 Glad to have you BACK I have sorely MISSED you Becky!!!
Muah!!!
Sooz
And I missed you too, and my stick men certainly missed you, that’s why they were on such good form today. Now get on with writing another brilliant blog and STOP procrastinating by reading mine! 🙂
This is absolutely hilarious! Did you draw the images, too? Another procrastination habit! (well worth it, I would think) to add such “color” to your post! I’m glad you will be “speaking with words” during OctPoWriMo!
Thank you! Yes I do draw the pictures, very poorly, on Microsoft Paint. The stick men do me proud! Thank you for reading 🙂
very astute– add showering though, I can’t count how many times I’ve told myself that as soon as I took my second shower for the day, I’d be ready to write. Also, taking (or, god forbid, initiating) calls with friends and family when we’re supposed to be writing.
Oh god I forgot about the ringing family members tactic. ‘Oh I need to write a thesis, but I haven’t spoken to my third aunt twice removed in Sweden for 20 years so I must ring her right now’. Yep, that’s definitely a good one.
Perfect images for perfect reasons for procrastination!
Thank you! 🙂
Ah! I have the perfect comment for this, just let me, oooh! what’s this…..
Haha, well thanks for dropping by, it was really…. er…….. sorry, hold on a second…..
Instant streaming on Netflix…the possibilities for procrastination are endless.
I know, this is why I literally never get anything done. Ever.
Becky, you’re back! 🙂 I thought to myself “I could procrastinate a little while at work today”…clicked on my reader, and there you were 🙂 Thanks for another comedy read 🙂 x
I’m back! Thanks for reading, dude 🙂
All of this is true.
But wait, is there really a clip of a drunk grandma burping the alphabet? I simply must watch that today.
Yes there is somewhere. I stumbled upon it on one of my mammoth procrastination sessions. Good times. (Thank you for reading!)
I’m embarrassed to say so, but the best way for me to finish a story is to turn off my internet connection. I’d also empty out the fridge to avoid procrastination eating, but then I’d use that as an excuse to do procrastination grocery shopping. Procrastination is a deadly cycle, and a true expert can use anything. Tomorrow when I go to make an outline I will notice my dog’s nails look way too long…
This is all disturbingly correct, especially avoiding procrastinating eating / consequently having to go procrastinating shopping. We humans are so terribly flawed. 😉
Thanks for reading!