Becky says things about … verbal diarrhoea

Firstly, dearest listener of the things that I say, I would like to pause for a second to note the most absurd spelling of a word ever.

DIARRHOEA.

I mean, isn’t it ridiculous? It doesn’t even look like a word. It looks like a concoction that’s been made by a toddler playing with letters, or by someone off their face on crack shuffling around their fuggy room with a Biro and trying to express how they feel by writing random letters on receipts for supermarket oven chips. It’s a ridiculous word, impossible to spell without the aid of a dictionary, and I would actually rather be confronted with the embodiment of the word than the preposterous word itself. That is how much I dislike this word.

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Now that I’ve got diarrhoea off my chest, the above paragraph illustrates beautifully the crux of my problem. I suffer from verbal diarrhoea, or ‘word discharge’, if you will. There is a faulty nub of my brain that detaches itself from the rest of my correctly-operating brain – my Broca’s area perhaps disconnects from my Wernicke’s area in my cerebral cortex, I don’t know, that’s just a guess – and this malfunction primarily occurs when I am faced with large groups of people or people with whom I am not on familiar terms. This gremlin in my frontal lobe (urgh, imagine that –

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– pretty annoying) results in ordinarily calm and pleasurable social situations becoming disturbing, exhausting, and upsetting for all concerned.

There is a veritable bounty of examples of such incidents over the years, but let me give you a couple of significant citations, if I may.

About a year after I left school I went back to collect a project I’d done. (Don’t know why. Maybe I just wanted to leaf through the pages of my former academic eminence and softly weep.) I found myself confronted in the corridor by not one, but four of my old teachers. Enthusiastic greetings ensued, along with demands to know how I was getting on at university, and other such friendly and interested inquiries. My answer was thus:

‘Yes I’m fine, university’s great, I’m loving the essays, though not loving having to go to the launderette and wait for people to come back and collect their washing and drying that they’ve just left in the machines, and I think I’ve had an allergic reaction to the powder I’ve started using, because I do occasionally get skin rashes, I used to get one on my neck years ago and ever since then I’ve had to wear hypoallergenic necklaces, which is a bit of a pain, but I can’t really complain because my friend gets awful eczema all over her shins and she can never find the cream she needs and the queue for the pharmacy on campus is just awful, I was in there for almost twenty minutes the other day when I went in to get some cream, not for a skin rash but for errrr something else, nothing embarrassing, well, moderately embarrassing but it’s fine, the cream sorted it out, but apart from that, yeah, university is great and I’m loving the fact I can buy Admiral’s Pie for 99p from the campus shop and I have it with peas and that’s me done.’

I jape not, listener. That is almost a blow-by-blow account of what I said. To four ex-teachers who had previously considered me a headstrong, sensible, charming young lady. Needless to say, they were rather taken aback. 

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After sinking into an exhausted and mortified silence, I mumbled my farewell and scuttled away with my project under my arm, leaving these poor souls wondering what the holy crumble had just happened and whether anything would ever be the same again. This incident, nearly a decade on, still occasionally wakes me with night sweats.

A second example – if you’ll permit me a second (you will? Oh, you are indulgent, and very pretty too, I might add) – happened just last week. I was at work and had to pop into my boss’s office to get him to sign something. He bequeathed his signature to me, and as I was exiting his office he made the fatal mistake of asking ‘So how’s your writing going?’

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Now, pretty listener, a normal person would have answered, calmly and humbly: ‘My writing’s going very well, thank you; I try and do a bit every night, and I very much enjoy it and hope I finish my novel one day, and thank you very much, sir, for asking, and may I fetch you a cup of tea?’

Sadly, my answer did not even remotely resemble that. My answer resembled this:

verbal5

My answer to this innocuous and well-intended question was as follows:

‘Ohh yeah it’s going well, I’m writing a novel at the moment which is really hard work and I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, but I do some every night when I can, which isn’t always every night, but I try for most nights when the old self-discipline is going my way, but as my novel is about a pub I tell myself that I’m performing research by going to the pub hahahahahahaha but no seriously, I do struggle with self-discipline, I always have done, it’s just really hard to motivate myself when there’s no definite goal at the end of it, you know, no guarantee that anything will come of my blood, sweat and tears -‘

At this point his friendly smile was fading.

‘ – and I could just really have spent, like, years of my life pouring myself into this novel that no one even wants to publish and, Christ, I think I’d just kill myself with a hammer if that happens, so I’ve just got to pull my finger out really and sit at my desk instead of making cakes and watching videos of snakes eating antelopes on YouTube -‘

He looked at his watch. He actually looked at his watch in front of me.

‘ – which I spend way too much time doing, it’s a nightmare, I was thinking of trying to disconnect the Internet but I write a blog so I don’t want to do that, and plus you don’t realise how much you just need the Internet nowadays, I mean, what would we do without the Internet, I mean, can you believe how ubiquitous it’s become in what’s really a very short space of time -‘

He got up, moved towards me so that I had to back out of the door –

‘ – so the guy that invented the Internet must be laughing, I wonder if he has problems with his Internet connection hahahahaha -‘

– and he mumbled ‘Got to be off’, walked past me and disappeared round the corner.

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Listener, I do not understand what happens to me. The functioning part of my brain knows what’s happening. The ailing part of my brain can do nothing about it. So whilst I am projecting linguistic excreta into the face of whatever poor fool happens to be in my company, the following battle is going on in my head:

Functioning Brain: What are you doing?

Ailing Brain: I’m talking.

Functioning Brain: Yes, but can’t you hear yourself? You’re talking absolute bunkum.

Ailing Brain: I know. I know.

Functioning Brain: Then stop. Why don’t you just stop?

Ailing Brain: I can’t stop. I literally cannot stop.

Functioning Brain: But you are making a monumental donkey of yourself. I mean you are seriously a complete tit right now.

Ailing Brain: I know, don’t you think I don’t want to stop?

Functioning Brain: Then stop. Please. What’s the matter with you?

Ailing Brain: I don’t know how to stop. It’s gone too far. I’ll have to keep talking forever or until someone physically assaults me.

Functioning Brain: I urge you stop before you get to that point.

Ailing Brain: Oh it’s all very well for you to say, you’re functioning. I’m not. I’m ill. You have no idea what it’s like to talk utter baloney at speed in front of someone you don’t know very well and not be able to stop.

Functioning Brain: I do. I know exactly what it’s like. You’re doing it to me now. That’s why I want you to stop. For the love of God. Just stop.

verbal7

It is physically, emotionally, mentally, orally, linguistically, grammatically, spiritually, biochemically, fundamentally, metaphorically and literally exhausting. The cause of this terrible condition is as yet unknown to me – perhaps it stems from an ingrained and psychologically scarring fear of awkward silences, or just an intrinsic inability to conduct myself sensibly in everyday situations – and I am yet to find a cure. I battle on with this mortifying, terrible affliction, and I hereby apologise in advance if I ever projectile-diarrhoea my words all over your nice clean shirt. Don’t ask me to pay for the dry cleaning because I’ll just tell you how I can’t give you any money because I spent my last fiver on tins of salmon, which were three for two in Sainsbury’s so I just had to get them because tinned salmon is the sovereign of all tin-encased freshwater fish, but even at three for two it’s rather on the expensive side, I mean, £1.67 for one small tin? I always get the cheaper one that includes the tiny bones and the skin because the bones are the best bit, it makes you feel like an evil giant crunching maliciously on some poor creature’s spinal column and

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45 Comments

Filed under Embarrassing Revelations, Life eh?, Rants, The Beauty of Life

45 responses to “Becky says things about … verbal diarrhoea

  1. Becky,
    I have the opposite problem. I’m one of those weirdos who has nothing to say after “nice to meet you” so I smile uncomfortably, which forces the other party to suffer a bout of verbal diarrheeeaha because it is incredibly awkward.
    TOHTB

    • Well you see it’s people like YOU who force people like ME to talk and talk and talk! If we just worked together and meet in the middle then all would be well in the world! 🙂 Thank you for reading!

  2. I never thought having a copy of the Rosetta Stone would come in handy.

  3. Not just you Becky! That did make me laugh.

  4. Seb

    Well said! I think I suffer from the opposite – a verbal compaction caused by the airtight lodgement of my foot in my speak-hole.

  5. If you think it would help to have someone shadow your every move and swat you with a newspaper each time the verbal diarrhea occurs, let me just say that although I have zero medical training, I’ve always wanted to see England.

  6. I wish I could talk more freely as I often have the opposite problem of verbal constipation although it does have the advantage of being much easier to spell !!

  7. I’m the exact opposite…never have anything to say! Now, maybe in person, this isn’t so great, but in writing, verbal diarrhea is hilarious. I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at your pain. You’re just too much, the way you explain things always cracks me up. By the way, I hate the word diarrhea (or the actual thing itself, I mean, who does?), but it’s kind of spelled better the american way, I think. I don’t see how the “O” fits in there at all. 😉

    • HAHAHAHAHA as I was reading this, I was thinking, “isn’t it spelled diarrhea?” But Canada usually uses British spelling for most things. Apparently diarrhea is an exception? I’m ok with it.

      • You have no idea how I agonized over which spelling to use, considering my largely overseas audience… but I decided to remain faithful to my own land and do it the English way, thus making it more difficult for myself. Life is so confusing.

  8. Hilarious! Le Clown mentioned you on his FB. I’m so glad he did. I followed you awhile back but I guess I lost you. Good to see you again.

  9. very funny. love your words and drawings.

  10. Eesh. That does seem like a terrible affliction. I have “inappropriate comment syndrome” myself.

  11. amb

    Oh goodness, we could start an international support group, you and me!

  12. Pingback: Inappropriate Comment Syndrome | Fish Of Gold

  13. RoS did have a reply, but he left five minutes ago mumbling something about bubble bath, or bumbling? babbling?…

  14. Pingback: Post of the Week – Becky Says Things | The Bumble Files

  15. This was fantastic to read. I’m still laughing as I write this! I can relate to you, talk, talk, talk, talk…it’s hard to stop sometimes.

  16. ly

    I’m new here having clicked over from the Bumble Files, but I’m not surprised by your affliction. After all, your blog title tells your tale!!!
    Loved it!!!!

  17. When I was at school we had a teacher who would often end his tests by asking us to spell ‘diarrhoea’! Unremarkable perhaps if he were our English teacher and the tests were for spelling but he was our History teacher and the rest of the test was for history!

  18. I love this story. Can I narrate it for my podcast, Does This Happen to You? Here is a link, which includes another blog I recently narrated, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/

  19. It has been a long time since I have heard the term “verbal diarrhoea”. I must say yours is the first case I have enjoyed so much.

  20. Ahahaha!! I loved this post, I too sometimes just go off and a tangent until the person I’m talking to is like “*sigh* FFS”. But on the flipside it’s exactly why I never ask anyone how its going. I was on a cigarette break at work the other day and I asked one of the cleaners how it was going so she went into great detail about what her neices were doing. Which is fine but if the story goes on longer than the time it takes me to smoke my cigarette then it becomes annoying. So now it’s mainly a head nod and a “yo!”.

    • Ahhh the awkwardness of the cigarette break that goes on longer than anticipated because someone is talking at you. Do you light up another one? Do you edge towards the door? Do you say very loudly ‘WELL I’VE FINISHED MY CIGARETTE NOW AND THUS I MUST AWAY INDOORS’? It’s a social minefield.

      • Definitely need to try the last one next time that happens, perhaps while wearing a cape? Capes are so underused now I think smoking breaks could be the thing that brings them back.

  21. Diarrhea or diarrhoea (from the Greek διάρροια, δια dia “through” + ρέω rheo “flow” meaning “flowing through”)

    Best thing to remember about a bout of flow through is hydrate. Go get a drink…in fact I’m buying. You deserve one after such an entertaining blog

    Many thanks

    Kit

  22. Weird, I never read this one. I laughed. Out loud. Lots. You funny girl big time. Woah! Have you ever read “A Confederacy of Dunces”? Ooo Wee! He almose as funny as you! Woah! (This’ll make sense if you’ve actually have read the book. But the chances of that are not high, so instead it probably just gives the appearance that I’m a weird racist and/or raving wacko…it’s a literary reference! Really. Sure a completely irrelevant one, but I’ve written all this out now, what am I to do, delete it?! Ooo Wee!)

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