{THIS POST FEATURES UTTERLY GRATUITOUS ILLUSTRATIONS OF PROFUSELY BLEEDING STICKPEOPLE. THOSE LISTENERS WHO ARE WEAK-STOMACHED, OR HAVE AN AVERSION TO THE SIGHT OF BLOOD DEPICTED THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF MICROSOFT PAINT, SHOULD NOT READ ON}
Have no fear, marvellous and trusting Listener: I am not going to go all feminist on you, or start flinging tampons around or smearing menstrual blood up the side of public buildings. I am merely going to make some keen observations on the age-old topic that never ceases to amuse and perplex me: the curious relationship between men and the monthlies.
I was quietly groaning at my desk last week, due to the fact that (WARNING TO MALE LISTENERS: IMMINENT MENSTRUAL SIMILE) my pelvis, abdomen and stomach felt like they were being stapled to a piece of rusty metal and ground with the heel of an industrial boot. My male colleague asked me what was wrong. Too weak to come up with a male-friendly reason for my whimpering, I muttered ‘Time of the month’.
‘Urgh, urgh,’ he exclaimed, gabbled something about ‘not needing to know anything about that yucky nastiness’, turned a shade of red deeper than the blobs of womb lining oozing into my knickers at that very moment, and with supersonic speed he changed the subject to a sudden crucial work-related topic – but, really, he may as well have done this:
Such was the severity of his terror and revulsion at this natural female process; a female process which, I’m led to believe by the experts, is a fairly common phenomenon, namely endured by 50% of the world’s population, including all the women that are presumably of sentimental value to my colleague, and literally every single woman to ever pass within a 4,000 mile radius of him. It could be said that he is positively swamped by menstruation. In fact, if it weren’t for the miracle of clothing, he could, at any one point, be surrounded by this:
Despite the prevalence of menstruation in our world, his reaction is not uncommon amongst menfolk, and is one of, I believe, four types of male reactions to this most foul of female ‘habits’.
The first reaction is the above: those dudes who consider a menstruating woman to be dirty, monstrous, and plagued by a potent infection that can be passed to the men if they stand too close.
These men will back away in horror at any mention of a mere womb twitch. They cannot hide their disgust. Their wives, girlfriends, mothers, daughters, sisters, all become objects of evil who are part of a witches’ coven, a heinous, putrid sorority that get together once a month and relish in their nefarious power to endlessly bleed. These men know that we women have this revolting habit once a month, but they cannot fathom why we don’t just stop it. It is these men who will stick together and take solace in their own razor-sharp wit by saying hilarious things like ‘Never trust something that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.‘
Unfortunately, it is these men who will receive the following reaction if that joke is made in the presence of a menstruating woman:
(NB to the ladies: never trust something that is stupid enough to make a joke about not trusting something that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die within earshot of a woman who has been bleeding for a week and hasn’t died.)
The second male reaction to menstruation is mortification. These guys would rather walk around in a t-shirt that says ‘MY PENIS LOOKS LIKE A TWIG’ than be anywhere near a period conversation. Say the word ‘tampon’ at them and they will react as though you have just pulled down your knickers, pointed at your vagina, and said ‘Pull this.’
These men know that something happens to us once a month, but it is so secret and so intrinsically female and it involves two concepts coming together in a marriage they can neither accept, comprehend, nor bring themselves to contemplate: vaginas (which they like) and blood (which they don’t). The whole notion of it will send them trembling into a corner where they will stand, facing the wall, until they can think about something else.
The third masculine reaction is to simply pretend that periods don’t exist. An innocent ‘It’s that time of the month’ comment to one of these men results in a ‘We don’t need to talk about that,’ and a seamless continuation of the previous conversation. It doesn’t matter how obviously they are faced with the truth: these men will simply ignore the very existence of menstruation.
Despite the fact that pretending menstruation doesn’t happen is essentially defying the existence of the human race, these guys are adamant. It’s hard to gage their thoughts on the subject, because how can you talk about something that doesn’t exist? They are therefore best left to their own world, in which the only thing that goes on in a woman’s lower regions is the men’s own penises – and, occasionally a butterfly lands on our pelvis and fairies dance on our stomachs.
The fourth reaction is a fairly rare one: those men that are actually okay with the whole thing. These heroes put the men in menstruation. A woman will never fail to be delighted to find one. Believe it or not, gents, it’s actually a very attractive quality. I’m not saying it’s a total selling point, but it certainly helps.
It is strangely refreshing and rather enjoyable to talk to these men about periods. They are so laid back about it that when we moan dramatically about the fact our wombs feel like they are going to slip through our vaginas like a rotting jellyfish, they say, without batting an eyelid, ‘Oh dear, that sounds painful. Do you want a paracetamol?’ Or, sometimes, they are actually interested. I once spent a heated ten minutes trying to convince a male chum that we girls don’t feel tampons once they’re firmly wedged where they should be wedged. He simply refused to believe it. ‘Listen,’ he said, ‘if I shoved a piece of compressed cotton wool up my bum, I’d know about it.’ I gently pointed out that we do not insert tampons up our bottoms. ‘Well I wouldn’t stick it up my penis, would I?’ he replied irately. The logic and success of the conversation was rather lacking, but nevertheless, this was a bloke who was able to discuss menstruation and the mechanisms thereof without crying or vomiting, and it was rather nice.
Of course, the world of menstruation isn’t necessarily one that men need to know about, and, to be fair to them, when we’re crying at dog food adverts and complaining about haemorrhaging into our knickers, it must seem like a pretty freakish world. But some men take this ‘need to know’ basis to an extreme level. I once had to correct a male pal who, it transpired, thought that tampons came in different sizes in order to cater for different sized vaginas. I pointed out that, if this was the case, it would be rather difficult to market the ‘Super Plus’ range.
Oh men, believe me, I can hear you shouting: ‘Stop having a go at us! Why do you women insist on TALKING about it????’
Put it like this. Imagine if every single month your testicles started shedding their skin, and turned into two weeping, excruciating, bleeding sacks of doom. That sort of situation, no matter how regular or expected its frequency, is pretty traumatic. You want to get the trauma off your chest, you want to talk to someone who understands. So you talk to your mate, whose testicles do exactly the same thing every month.
Fortunately for you chaps, that doesn’t happen to you. But we women share this common ground, we like to know our friends suffer the same level of agony. It is such a foul, undignified process, that really the only way to get over it is to talk about it. And no, we have no qualms about going into detail, because when you’ve woken up on a Monday morning in this state:
– you have literally no shame left.
Boys, don’t be afraid. We are neither foul, monstrous, nor infected with a putrescent disease. We are merely women. You like us. We like you. Let’s be friends! We can coexist in a world in which we have to deal with a major organ regenerating itself once a month and paying hundreds of pound to mop up the consequences, and you don’t.
But if you ever utter the phrase ‘It’s because she’s on the blob’ or ‘She’s got that filthy habit again’, we’ll cut your balls off.
BECKY SAYS THINGS 
Love your illustrations. 🙂
Thank you 🙂
I’d like to get that illustration with the five bleeding stick figures to put on a T-shirt so I can wear it around uncomfortable men on those days when I have a rotting jellyfish slithering out of my vagina.
I can arrange that. I was going to design wrapping paper out of it as well… you know, for your husband’s birthday / Christmas, that sort of thing.
I’m glad you acknowledge that not all men are insensitive clods here I haopoen to be of the ‘Here’s some paracetamol, some clean knickers, and a hot water bottle, now out of the way while I change the seheets’ school of thouight. But it’s worth bearing in mind that a man may be more sympathetic if you aren’t attacking him with a hammer or large knife at the time you’re looking for sympathy. I’m sure it’s true that you ‘Can’t help being like this at this time!’ but that is really not much consolation when you’re running for the hills. Yes I have been attacked with a hammer and a large knife.
Of course all men aren’t clods! And you are one of the marvelous ones! And I must apologise on behalf of my sex for the whole hammer attack thing. I know it’s boring and a bit extreme, but we really can’t help it… 😉
Thank you for reading!
Hey don’t apologise. It wasn’t you with the hammer.
😀
Super Plus-size vaginas? Someone really thought that?
Sigh. Men.
Yes. It made me laugh and laugh. 🙂
This just sparkles…and for that…you get to keep the tiara.
Jots
Thank you! And thank you for reading 🙂
Becky,
Your best. Arguably. But Le Clown is never wrong, just his author.
Le Clown
Le Clown
That means this much: (……………………………………………………………………………………………………………)
(That’s a lot.)
As always, thank you.
Becky
“turned a shade of red deeper than the blobs of womb lining oozing into my knickers at that very moment”
I love you so much right now! I am sharing this with every chick I know!
ps… I happen to have one of those very “magnanimous” men when it comes to periods and all things bodily. Also, I since I saw the photo of how a woman’s reproductive organs look startlingly like a shark brain, I now refer to “that time of the month” as SHARK WEEK!!!
My god, you mean we have shark brains inside us??? That may explain a lot. Shark week as an excellent name for a hellish week of doom.
Thank you so much for sharing this and for laughing at my utterly unnecessarily graphic descriptions of periods 🙂
Dude, you seriously made my day!
Hilarious. I think my husband is one of the few men who would go to the store and buy my feminine hygiene products for me without a blink. I used to hide things like candy under a layer of pads in my dresser drawer. My brother never tried to steal my candy.
That is SUCH a good idea. My God, you could hide all manner of things under a box of Tampax! Sweets, money, murder weapons….
I love those dancing fairies 🙂
Great article Becky! xx
Cheers lovely 🙂
Awesome! I mean, not menstruation, but the things you said about it, spot on. I don’t get why men are so terrified of it. I mean hey, it’s no picnic for us, but it’s like they think talking about it will somehow cause them to be covered in blood.
Too funny. I was a little hesitant to read at work, what with all the bloody images, but it was too good not to read. 😀
Haha, I didnt think about it not being a work friendly read! Glad you managed it though 🙂
Cheers Lils x
This is so damn funny. What about those guys who have period fetishes? My friend went out with a guy who asked her if she was on her period. She was taken aback, and he assured her it was a good thing because he liked how “feminine” women were on their period. Uh, what?
The illustrations in this are incredible.
Urgh I didn’t think about that. I know of them. A strange breed indeed. If I was a man I’d definitely be more on the revulsion side than the ‘the more blood the better’ side….
Thanks Jen, glad I didn’t disappoint and that I made you happy again 😉 x
Well personally, if I had to choose, I’d rather date a guy that enjoyed it, than was repelled! As long as there were no other blood fetishes. I can understand where they’d perceive menstruation as being “feminine”.
God, so would I! I can’t handle being looked at like I’m the Devil’s spawn once a month!
Thanks for reading 🙂
Lol at getting whacked with the chair! Pure genius, oh how many times I have wished I could do that lol Brilliant you are 🙂
You and me both!
Thanks for reading 🙂
Hahahah! I came over on ARQ’s recommendation – I would like to stick around!
If you said ‘stick around’ because I draw stickmen, I applaud the pun! If you didn’t, I applaud the sentiment anyway! 😉
Thanks for reading !
Becky – you are freakin’ hilarious. I laughed so hard reading this. I’m a bleeder so I can relate. My husband has no problem buying me tampons at the store 🙂
Hurrah for your husband! Us bleeders aren’t that scary after all! 😉
Thank you so much for reading 🙂
I never miss a post if I can help it! The pictures are the best – plus your own particular writing style (and that your British – so you have so much great vernacular sprinkled in – it’s a bonus for langophiles such as myself).
Becky, dearest, you are constantly outdoing yourself! That’s so funny about the different size tampons for different vaginas. Ha ha. Well, at least that chap is trying! You got to give him credit. The blood didn’t bother me at all. It’s so, uh, fitting, isn’t it? It really enhances your post.
Helloo! At last I can reply, I’ve had NO INTERNET!!!!! IT’S BEEN HELL!!!
Anyway, thank you darling 🙂 Glad you’re not squeamish about Microsoft blood 🙂
Oh, so good to see you, dearest!!! I’m sorry about your internet problems. THAT IS HELL!!!! Welcome back, Becky.
Funny. And true.
We are afraid of things we don’t understand. Lady parts are a great mystery to us. Most of us couldn’t find a clitoris with a map. I know how that sounds but do you want the truth or do you want me to lather your ass with lies and suppositions? When I was a young buck, I was of the third persuasion. What period? Why are you hiding this thing in here? That was then. Age = wisdom, as is always the case.
You don’t post nearly enough. You’re so funny. What if I sent you $5 bucks? Would that increase the frequency?
Ah. Age and wisdom are very important on the subject of periods. Once you’ve grown out of the age when you’re rummaging through your sister’s knicker drawer trying to find those ‘little cotton bullets’ she keeps in there, it’s probably for the best.
You’re right. I don’t post enough. But I have had an excuse in recent weeks i.e. NO INTERNET CONNECTION. It’s been hell. But I hereby promise to maintain a fervent regularity in my blogging, because it’s comments like yours and knowing I’m making people chortle into their coffe that make it all the more enjoyable 🙂
Thanks for reading 🙂
What do you mean no internet connection? Where are you posting from? Afghanistan? I thought you were British? Re: wisdom/age. I wish I was as smart as I am now when I was 24. Oh, holy mother of God, I would have had all you women over a barrel instead of the other way around. It would have been glorious.
Hahaha, a 24 year old in possession of wisdom would be a dangerous thing!
I am indeed British, but unfortunately even us Brits occasionally get internet connection problems. In fact my next post will explain it all….
Very very fun and painfully true. LOVE the drawings, blood et al.
Thank you! I’m glad people don’t mind a bit of Microsoft blood 🙂
Becky, you are one hilarious mofo. I read this on p-day and it made me laugh so hard, I almost lost a tampon to it. However, while flinging tampons around and smearing menstrual blood on buildings would indeed be rather rude, going all feminist on the general public really isn’t! I mean, why not? Because we’re like totally equal already? A lot of women treat speaking up for womens’ rights like demonstrating for more delicious M&Ms: as being simply greedy and kind of ridiculous, because M&Ms are already totally perfect… mmmh… M&Ms… sorry where was I? Right. As long as the whole wide world flips because Miley sticks her tongue out and doesn’t even mention Robin Thickes awful sleaziness, as long as men simply assume we can’t keep up with them when talking politics, as long as clever teenage girls think they HAVE to be good at maths and physics to prove that they’re smart, as long as pop culture is still drenched in sexism and misogyny – there’s a place for a bit of female outrage. But who am I telling this? Willingly or not, you actually delivered a feminist master piece here 🙂 Thanks, mate!
Wow! I had no idea I had written the Feminist Manifesto! I’M A FEMINIST GENIUS!! Thank you for allowing me to see my true calling in life. Thank you. 🙂
But you’re so right. Let’s all go mental over Miley and her little tiny weeny shorts, but let’s forget the grown man who should know better grinding his knob against her bum. It’s not important. What IS important is M&Ms. Let’s all talk about M&Ms. That’s a great subject. I love M&Ms. Especially peanut butter ones. JESUS CHRIST I love those. You can’t get them in England, did you know that? Now THAT’S something to rant about. That’ll be my next post. Becky says things about capitalism not quite pulling its finger out enough to provide us poor Brits with peanut butter M&Ms.
I think I’ve lost my train of thought…. ah yes. Tampons.
I don’t have any personal experience with this… no monthly bleeding from any part of my body. I do remember my sex eduction teacher talking about it (a man). It was all going fine until he said that the average female only loses about 1 Tablespoon of blood during menstruation. It was a co-ed class and not one woman in class was buying that statistic. He tried to explain it as “well the blood mixes with other fluids”, still not one convinced woman. Lots of confused… quiet men, who were mostly probably thinking “oh my god why are we talking about this” .
Hahahahaha that whole 1 tablespoon of blood thing is SUCH A LOAD OF SHIT. Next time I’m on my period,I’m going to contact your sex ed teacher and invite him to look into my toilet. Then we’ll see whether he’d like to rethink his wholly preposterous and male-friendly theory. (Did I go too far there? I can’t tell. All this talk of private female things has skewed my appreciation of what’s appropriate to reveal and what’s not….)
Thanks for reading 🙂
That was the generally the opinion of the females in the class and every female that I’ve told this story to since!
I hate it when men make insensitive comments like “on the blob” or dating a guy who won’t be intimate with you at that time. I mean, sure it’s messy, but you men make a mess all the time (admittedly different, but nevertheless) and I don’t complain. Anyway, things can be cleaned up. I’m happy if a guy is just “ok” about it, even if not actively caring at least if he’s not actively mean about it. Besides I’m quite lucky, despite not enjoying the situation of “time of the month” (even though it’s a relief imo as it means nothing else happened) I personally don’t change my mood, if I’m going to be moody anyway I might be but because I don’t suddenly go really crazy, guys wouldn’t generally know unless they had a way of finding out. I have no girl pals to talk about it with, but tbh never saw the point, just want to curl up with a hot water bottle and relax when I can
Curling up with a hot water bottle is the best cure. And chocolate. And toast. Lots of toast.
Dating guys who won’t come within arm’s reach of you at the time of the month is rubbish, and they deserve to have boxes of Tampax thrown at their heads.
Thank you for reading 🙂
You have outdone yourself. I nearly pee’d myself during this post I was laughing so hard. Brilliant illustrations! These are t-shirt material! I’ve always maintained if men had periods the human race would die out because they’d have one cramp and kill themselves.
In the spirit of your post, have you seen this? http://www.pinterest.com/pin/318277898636390392/
PRECISELY. There’s that old joke ‘if men had periods they’d argue about the size of their tampons’, but they would also definitely kill themselves. Parliaments round the world would fall apart. So we women must bear the brunt in order to save the world. AGAIN.
That pinterest thing is hilarious and totally true.
Thanks for reading 🙂
I read this in a period of insomnia and laughed so hard that the bed actually shook. Top job in inspiring a fit of laughter at 3am ! My favourite phrase – “weeping, excruciating, bleeding sacks of doom” Well done!!!!
Thank you 🙂 Glad I managed to shake your bed and make your insomnia worthwhile!
Thank you for reading 🙂
You know what Becky Girl, you slay me… and not “chair in the face” kind of slay me… I am talking snorting wine out my nose… that kind.
Shit, sorry. Wine out of the nose is never good, and always painful.
But I’m glad I managed to make wine come out of your nose 🙂
Thank you 🙂
I had a guy tell me that the most disgusting thing in the world was period blood. What a D-bag.
I hope you told him that you thought the most disgusting thing in the world was skidmarks. D-bag indeed.
LOL, oh I bitched him out about it.
Waitaminute…did he say period blood specifically?! Not ALL blood? Just the menstrual variety? I apologize on behalf of our gender.
Yep he did.
Do you think he’d stick to his point if you gouged his eye out with a fork and pointed at the ensuing blood?
I understand that blunt spoons work quite well for this.
A masterpiece of writing. I wanted to share it on FB but I fear some of my delicate flower friends might not cope 🙂
Haha, I know – this post isn’t for the faint-hearted!
Thanks for reading! 🙂
I mean, if men bled through their wangs or testicles, you know they’d be a lot less squeamish. They’d have conversations about their bleeding like they do now about other stuff:
“Dude, I’m on the fucking rag. My bed looked like a Mayan sacrificial altar when I woke up. It was EPIC.”
“I know, right, Bro? Last month it felt like someone was squashing my balls in a fucking death grip, and I almost bled through my jock.”
“I gotta have a huge steak, man, I need the iron because I’m shedding these MASSIVE clots.”
They’d probably create a special Man Cave/Menstrual Hut for themselves.
But as it is, men are basically dainty creatures. Even Mr. Weebles, who is quite familiar with my monthly work, still really doesn’t want to hear about any of it. He would rather remain blissfully unaware of that whole thing down there.
oh, the things you write about. You’re spot on and hilarious as usual, Miss Becky 🙂 Putting the “men” in menstruation cracks me up. Top-notch wordplay.
My only food thought here: Chocolate.
Haha, I chuckled a bit smugly to myself when I thought of that as well! Oh the joys of finding oneself amusing 😉
5
Thanks for reading!
Becky, this post helped me overcome my fear of menstruating women. At least if they’re really, really skinny. This was absolutely hilarious 😉
I’m so glad I was able to cure you of your fear and make you laugh at the same time!
Thanks for reading! 🙂
You’re so welcome — I love your stuff 😉
Thank you – I’m just exploring yours now! 🙂
read your customer services post yesterday – thought it was brilliant, but this one is even better !
love your stick figure illustrations and the accompanying comments – still chuckling at the ‘petrol’s gone up again’ one 😆
P.S. thanks for enlightening me about Super Plus size tampons 😳
Thank you for lovely words 🙂
I will admit that that ‘petrol’s gone up again’ did make me chuckle as I was doing it! Well, if you can’t laugh at your own jokes…
Glad you’re up to speed with the world of tampons now! Thanks for reading 🙂
Best. Post. EVER! LOL loved it!
Glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
This post is just so amazing…one of the best things I ve ever read 😛 Wow Becky! I am glad I follow you!
That comment has made the start of my 2014 extremely nice. Thank you! So glad you enjoyed it 🙂
This is funny n refreshing! I want to share it with all my male friends :p
Haha they might learn a thing or two! 😉