‘Crikey Moses, what the hell’s going on over there?’ my splendid international listeners must be wondering. ‘Britain looks like a pair of tangled headphones covered in unidentified soiling that have been found at the bottom of a crud-filled handbag, with one earpiece snapped off and the other one stuffed with wax. What a terrible mess! But it’s okay, I’m sure the Brits themselves know what is going on. They must know what is going on.’
Tell you what, splendid international listeners. I’m going to hold a referendum on whether we Brits know what is going on right now.
So, what you are reading and seeing in the Media – images of a smouldering British wasteland filled with vultures, clowns and flying pigs – is exactly what it feels like.
It seems we’ve learnt the hard way that when you give a very hungry dog a bone, he might just eat it.
Whichever box we crossed on Thursday 23rd June, it is fairly unanimously acknowledged that the immediate outcome has been, how shall I put it, PRETTY SHITTING DIABOLICAL, and we’re now floundering in the smelly discombobulation of an Unexprectit.
But it’s okay, because we Brits have a remarkable ability to remain positive in the face of adversity. It’s the war spirit. We won’t be dispirited by this chaos and uncertainty and anxiety. We have many things to be positive about.
I mean, look, I know it appears to be terrifying and dangerous now, but at least we have a strong and faithful leader to guide us through the most economically, politically, financially and socially difficult times in recent history.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we have strong candidates to guide us through the most economically, politically, financially and socially difficult times in recent history.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we have a sensible leader of the Opposition to rise up and present the country with a strong alternative leader to guide us through the most economically, politically, financially and socially difficult times in recent history.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least everyone who voted Out is sticking by their decision now that we’re Out.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least all the promises that were made about Brexit are being faithfully kept.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we have the football to remind us what a strong footballing nation we are and boost our morale when we need it most.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least it’s nearly July and it’s high summer and the sunny weather will cheer our dampened spirits.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we can pack up and escape the country and seek solace in far away lands.
Oh no wait.
Oh.
Shit.
BECKY SAYS THINGS 
You have been the first person who has made me laugh out loud since this whole sorry mess landed in our collective lap. I wouldn’t normally plug my own blog in a comment, but you might like to look at my (slightly less funny) take on it all. https://fantasticmetastaticme.wordpress.com/2016/06/28/brexit I’m just hoping that if we all keep calm and try not to kill each other it will all turn out all right in the end.
LOVE your post. SO clever! At first I thought ‘Ohh dear she’s falle out with a dad or uncle or husband over this…’, and then when you said ‘and he’s shit at football’ the penny dropped! Brilliant 🙂
Thank you for your lovely comment, and keep calm! 🙂
Yep. You nailed it. *deep breaths, trying to quell rising panic*
Thanks sweetie! *swallows down a bit of sick at yet another picture of that odious weasel Farage*
Oh Becky! Will you be the PM, Opposition Leader AND England Manager, please??
Actually, yes. I’ve got some time on my hands. AND I make a mean Victoria Sponge, which I think is key to sorting out this whole mess. Let’s just sit down and have some cake.
Thank you for reading 🙂
Fantastic!! But Mary Berry has the Cake Lady job so you might have to fight her for it.
I am ready with my spatula and my electric whisk. I shall meet her at dawn.
Chin up everyone, we Brits have endured so much as a nation. It’s time to stiffen up that lip, roll up our sleeves and get on with things again. Never, never let anyone else tell us how to run our affairs again. I think we woke up just in time.
Just a comment on something your article didn’t bring up …The ugly hate messages should be nipped in the bud by all of us who value our country’s history and culture which has always included a huge contribution from overseas workers and migrants. Guess what? We’re all British. We need to shout it out a lot louder. We are a tolerant people we really need to send this message out to the racists. They don’t act on behalf of the vast majority of Brits.
Couldn’t agree with you more Elizabeth. The hate messages have been a huge disgusting fallout in the last few days, and I thought about including a comment on them in my piece, but, as my pieces are always fairly tongue in cheek, I didn’t think it was appropriate to make a joke about something so revolting. Plenty has been written in the last few days about the horrific nature of these awful things that have been said, and I didn’t think my blog was the place to continue that!
Thank you for reading and, as you say, chin up! 🙂
Stickman gets it spot on again – we are all discombobulated now. Illustration for Go tidy your room is particularly apt x
Cheers Tulip! I was SO glad to get ‘discombobulated’ in there 😉
Haha, well its entertaining if nothing else. First time in a long time I actually look forward to tuning into the news for the next ridiculous instalment.
I know what you mean! I’ve had BBC rolling news on pretty much constantly since Friday!
Becky. Bloody brilliant. Should be on the front page of every newspaper. xx
From: BECKY SAYS THINGS
Reply-To: BECKY SAYS THINGS
Date: Wednesday, 29 June 2016 12:58
To: “..”
Subject: [New post] Becky says things about … staying positive
beckysaysthings posted: “‘Crikey Moses, what the hell’s going on over there?’ my splendid international listeners must be wondering. ‘Britain looks like a pair of tangled headphones covered in unidentified soiling that have been found at the bottom of a crud-filled handbag, with “
I’m calling The Times as we speak 🙂
Thanks darling x
As a Canadian I was having a really hard time understanding the British situation. With the wave of a dull number two pencil, the people effectively wiped around (+/-30 cents) 2 trillion US Dollars off the world’s stock markets – apparently the owners of that 2 trillion dollars were somewhat disgruntled. When asked why they did that, the voters apparently explained: “I didn’t know my vote would do anything.” A number who were startled by the outcome apparently said they couldn’t have imagined the result and would it ;” be possible to have a do-over?”
Yep! I have lost count of the number of people I’ve seen in the media and spoken to personally who said ‘I was making a stand against the government and austerity’. Makes you want to scream ‘THIS WAS NOT THE TIME. WAIT FOR A GENERAL ELECTION.’ Turns out we might have one of those in the next few months anyway!
Yep, that’s about right. Especially the bit about the bone.
Thanks Becky and Stickman for making a crappy situation entertaining.
You are very welcome! Suppose we’ve got to laugh, if we can…!
Yeah, laughing’s been a bit tough recently
Hilarious, and unfortunately true. You still have your wonderful sense of humour.
Thank you Judith! Hope you are well x
LOVE IT! Unexprexit is perfect. It’s odd – I’m in Ireland but know a lot of English people, obviously, and all the ones I know in person are horrified. In fact, I know exactly 3 people via blogging who admit they voted leave, and are proud of it. Well, they were day 1&2, not so sure about now. All 3 had clearly defined reasons, and only one sounded a bit racist in their reasons. So. Hope they are enjoying the shit weather and sinkhole pound. So sorry for the rest of you!
Well it seems that the pound has now recovered…. for the time being…
It’s a shame that sounding a ‘bit racist’ appears to have been the reason for quite a lot of people voting to leave!
But the rest of us must remember that that is hopefully a minority and the rest of the Brexiters had valid personal reasons, whatever the repercussions of their decision may be…
The reasons seem pie-in-the-sky to me, sadly. Not a chance England could be self sufficient in exports, or farming. Just not going to ever happen (same as here).
I 100% agree with you, I was just trying to be diplomatic.
HAVE I LEARNED NOTHING???? 😉
Eh, it’s just me 🙂 hehehe
The same is true here in Canada as well HTBS – we depend on imports and exports and struggle to build treaties and relations to open markets and give us a financial voting block.
Out of curiosity, what industries does Canada have a dearth of? Would it be more natural resources related? It can’t be people, you guys are pretty damn intelligent 🙂
We’re actually pretty multi-talented. We have or had seminal operations even in super high tech businesses like fighter plane production, nuclear systems including medical isotope production, satellites and communication, etc. We also have huge untapped natural resources from uranium to shale oil (the largest reserves in the world). Basically there isn’t anything we don’t have or can’t do. (Thumps chest with fists like Tarzan).OOOOHYAH!
But we have a humongous problem that interferes with every single one of these endeavors – there are only 37 million of us (about 1/2 the number in the UK) rattling around In the largest country in the world – more than 1/2 of which is north of the halfway latitude to the North Pole. In other words it is a long way between places and it is cold,cold,cold in winter. That means a few things 1)we spend a lot on heating costs 2) we spend a lot on transportation and 3) even excluding 1 and 2, it is expensive to do anything here because all manufacturing and industry have to produce in small runs because of the small population.So, for instance, we have lots and lots of oil, but a refinery is about 10 billion dollars to build and very expensive to maintain. We have a few smaller refineries but because they are small, our gas costs are very high (for North America). We can’t afford to build bigger and even of we did, it would have to be hauled so far as to make it unprofitable. .
So, when you put all that together, you come to an unavoidable realization: we can only afford reasonable prices if we build really big industries and export the majority and keep some for us. Much of this development relies either on foreign investment or government loans. For goods for which we cannot attain large export markets, we can only afford them by importing from lower cost market s – like clothing from Asia.
So about 1/2 of our economic activity is involved in exports and we import about 1/2 of all goods sold. We have wet dreams about having access to a market like the EU. The US is currently our largest trading partner (in fact our trade relationship with them is the largest in the world – which is a problem). They know that and they give us all kinds of grief that we tolerate because they always threaten tariffs on our products. They are not nice to deal with. Back in the 1970’s our aviation industry built the fastest, most accurate, most cost effective,most maneuverable fighter plane in the world (Avro Arrow). We were so proud of ourselves until we told the US. They saw us as a threat to their fighter plane industry and demanded we shut down production and literally chop up all remaining planes into pieces – so we did. It was either that or lose half the jobs in our economy.
It’s so good to see you, Becky!! I’m so sorry this is happening to you. And now they say it might not happen! What a confusing time. Change is definitely in the air these days. Great post. I love the one with Cameron riding off into the sunset!
Amy!!! I just checked you out about an hour ago! (I don’t mean you personally, not in a stalker way – I meant your blog.)
Yep, this is a pretty grim situation. If only we all had a golf-course-shaped sunset to run to like Mr Cameron…
Thanks for reading Amy 🙂
I’m still here. It’s a miracle! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Not time to come out from under the duvet, then…
Nope. Stay exactly where you are.
This is one of the few things I’ve read about Brexit that has made my smile. Needed this amongst all the doom and despair! Now, back to trying to find an Irish man to marry…
Forget about looking for an Irish man. The last Irish man I saw had a mile-long queue of women waving their passports behind him….
That’s more like it. Top stuff, as usual. Let’s both hope I don’t have to shame you into posting again. Remember, I have a ‘dead site’ folder and I know how to use it.
I feel sufficiently shamed, and I thank you for it. I shall do my best to avoid the folder of doom….. 🙂
Thanks Becky! So good to see the stickmen making sense of all this nonsense. 😉
Well if anyone can do it, Stickman can 🙂
Come November us Americans might be in the same boat. Sigh…
Dude. Take that back. Don’t even put that out there in the universe.
Well, use us as an example! So get out there and DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN!
I’d love for that not to be true, but let’s face it…there are a lot of stupid people in this country and they all support that clown.
Well, at least we can laugh at you. I mean at it. We can laugh at it.
hahahahahahahahaha.
There was huge interest in Brexit (or what I will now dub “Unexpectit”) in Australia! It was the topic du jour at every workplace water cooler on the Friday (our time) when the results were out. Many people I know feel a mixture of horror and a slight sense of schadenfreude at watching this all unfold, but of course, the schadenfreude is aimed at those hapless folk who voted Out and now realise they might not actually like the results. For the rest I feel real sympathy. Still, if you’d like to, you can gloat over our stupidity. It seems like we’ve just voted the conservative government back in for another go at dismantling our Health Care system. While in the state of Queensland they voted back in a racist party that we got rid of a few years ago.
I think we need a Quexit.
I thought brexit was a granola based cereal.
IF ONLY IT WAS
F’ing Brilliant as always!
Ps. How’s the novel going?
Sign it, send me a copy. I’m good for it.