O abandoned listeners, I’ve got a really good reason for producing only a measly four blog posts in 2016. The reason is that 2016 kidnapped me and threw me into a darkened cell with no nourishment or natural light and pelted me with the corpses of baby bunnies until I was stunned into silence.
And I know you believe me. You believe me because that is just the sort of thing that 2016 would do, because 2016 was a dick.
Listeners, I really want to believe that 2016 just cocked up. I want to believe that, at 11.45pm on 31st December 2015, 2016 stood in the wings of the Present and muttered ‘Don’t cock up, don’t cock up, don’t cock up,’ but unfortunately, through incompetence and lack of experience, made a complete balls up of the whole thing.
The thing is, 2016 didn’t just cock up. 2016 knew what it was doing. 2016 was a malicious, calculating badgerfart and, even though it’s left us with an almighty hullabaloo, it’s gone now and we’re well shot of it.
But where did it go, dear listeners? What happened after the evil genius skulked off through the pyrotechnic blaze at the stroke of midnight?
I’ll tell you exactly what happened. First of all, it refused to high-five 2017.
I like to think that an old year high-fives a new year as it passes the mantle in that fraction of a second that their paths cross.
2016 sauntered past 2017 without high-fiving because 2016 was an arrogant weasel.
And poor old 2017 – who received a cold hard stare when it asked during its interview whether there was any truth in the rumours about the job being a ‘poisoned chalice’ – crept past 2016 like a condemned man on his way to the gallows.
And while everyone was trying to gee up 2017 and make it welcome and convince it that it wouldn’t be that difficult to undo the irreparable and potentially catastrophic damage wreaked by its hellish predecessor, 2016 strode into the Great Green Room of Years Past, sat down in the biggest, reddest and squeakiest leather chair, crossed one leg over the other, and lit an enormous spliff.
After a few minutes, 2015 and 2014, who were awkwardly sipping tea and nibbling bourbons, plucked up the courage to speak.
2016 made no acknowledgement of their presence, but merely tilted its head back and exhaled a languid plume of smoke that contained the ashes of our hopes, dreams, and the Great British Bake Off. 2014 and 2015 held their breath and wished they’d never spoken. Eventually 2016 looked straight at them and gave a slow smile.
An audible gasp went round the Great Green Room of Years Past. In a dusty corner, 1347 slowly shook its hooded, scabbed head. Old 1347 has had some bad press for unleashing the Black Death that killed off nearly half the population of Europe, but, you know, it’s had a long time to think about what it’s done.
2016 leant forward and poured itself a glass of scotch and cast a cold eye around the Great Green Room of Years Past, smirking disdainfully at 1929 and 2008, who skulked in the corner clutching the remains of livelihoods and life savings. You see, 2016 thought it was a bad-ass. An unbeatable, immovable tyrant, gobbling up and terrifying all in its path.
Slumped wearily against the wall, 1914 and 1939 drew on damp cigarettes, their eyes ringed with the guilt of shattering the world twice over. They viewed 2016 with the despairing wisdom that comes with age and experience. Slowly, 1914 rose to its tired feet, shuffled over to 2016 and looked down at it like a wizened old gangster over a school bully.
2016 paused, held 1914’s gaze for a few moments, then looked away.
And so 2016 remains, like a despised, despotic aunt who never leaves her room and occasionally yells unreasonable and hateful demands down the stairs.
But what of 2017?
2017, dearest listener, is shitting itself.
I feel for 2017. 2017 has been sold what it thought was a brand new Aston Martin, but has quickly realised that it is in fact an old Astra, the tyres are flat, the windscreen is cracked, and someone has puked all over the back seat.
We must be gentle with 2017. It has a lot to learn. It has two choices: shrug its shoulders and roll with gay abandon into the doomish cesspit created by 2016, spray shit up the walls and then hold up its hands and say ‘Weren’t me, guv’; or, it can learn from its heinous predecessor’s actions, roll up its sleeves, and try to clean up the mess.
I will say this to 2017: if you lay a finger on Julie Andrews, I’ll rip your throat out.
BECKY SAYS THINGS 
I love it. Brilliant. Xx
Thank you dear heart x
Thank you ever so much for this post. I love Becky Says Things…..mostly because Becky says things that I might think, but am too scared to say.
Yes 2016 was a Dick, no doubt about it.
You’ve tremendously improved my morning. Thank you so much. I look forward to any and all posts you post.
Like the person above said…brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
What a lovely comment, thank you so much! I hope to have more regular posts now 2016 isn’t breathing down my neck!
Happy New Year!
Gosh I’ve missed you!!! Becky, you truly got me through a dark time last year, and I’ve since moved onward & upward, but the uncontrollable belly laughs you provided me shook something very good, free in my spirit to get up and get moving out of that situation. I will forever be grateful! Blunt, honest laughter is so healing about all the sh*t in life that comes our way, and your cheeky responses bless me! Keep writing – we need you!
I don’t quite know what to say apart from thank you and you’re so welcome! I am a great believer in laughter being the best remedy, and it’s particularly important when so much seems so dark and dangerous!
I feel very humbled to have helped and I hope to continue to make you laugh 🙂
Happy New Year!
Welcome back! And thanks for making me laugh!
It’s good to be back, and thank you for reading! 🙂
One of the best things I’ve read in 2017. Can I re-blog? I’d say FB but my blogeen is anonymous so the stalker would find me. Yeah, thanks again, 2016.
Please do re-blog! And thanks for your lovely comment! 🙂
Simply stupendous post! Made me laugh and almost want to cry at the slushy pile of crap that was 2016 – and all that leaves me to say is rise up WordPressers of the World and protect Julie Andrews!
2016 was indeed a slushy pile of crap! And what a fine idea to form a Julie Andrews Protection Society on WordPress… just in case 2016 is still lurking anywhere…
Thanks for reading 🙂
oh 2016 was HORRIBLE i mean to take David Bowie away?!? i was rendered speechless when it broke and now…
Indeed, horrible beyond words. But now – ONWARD! 🙂
Yep onwards if only Bowie was here to join us
I hope 2017 sees you writing more than 4 blogs… 🙂
Lily! Long time no speak! I hope so too! How are you, my friend? x
I saw the notification but thought I was dreaming, I mean do we actually have another post from Becky? Then I realised it had to be real because all our hallucinations of what better things might happen was left in 2016.
And this one is already much improved, keep up the good work 2017! Stay strong. and welcome back Stickman…sort of…
Tell me about it – I thought I was dreaming as I was writing the post! But then that’s the stultifying stupor that 2016 had over me!
Let us take 2017 and run with it as far away as possible from 2016!
Good to hear from you my friend 🙂
Tremendous!
Well let’s hope it’s a tremendous 2017! 🙂
We should start a club eh?
Stick people, my favourite kind of people. They don’t talk back, they don’t disagree, they go whichever way you want them to and they never think your bum looks big in that.
Love your clever ideas and what a great post. Your stick years are hilarious, I’m looking forward to reading more posts. I’m a new follower, love a laugh – perhaps you’ll get a laugh out of some of mine. Good Job Becky. Keep talking.
Well hello and welcome! Thank you for your lovely comment! I will make my way over to you forthwith!
Thank you for following 🙂
You just won the internet with this post.
Aww, cheers mate! 🙂
Fabulous post!
2016 took a massive dump on all of us. Actually, your Brexit-related post was the only thing that made me chuckle during that whole diabolical turdfest of a time!
Haha, I’m so pleased! 2016 certainly offloaded a whole heap of putrescence on the world. And 2017 is shaping up to be just as mental…..
Thank you for reading and sorry for the heinously delayed reply! 🙂
Hahaha, bloody brilliant. I love you. Glad you’re back sort of. Can I say bloody as an American? Italian-American?
You certainly can say bloody! It’s a thrill to hear an Italian-American say such a British word! 🙂