Listeners, we need to talk about the human back.
It’s great, isn’t it? Keeping us upright, graciously permitting us to bend, slouch, maybe do a cheeky side-lunge at whim. Holding us together like scaffolding, preventing us from simply flopping over like a wet toilet roll. What a fantastic thing it is. Good old back.
Except sometimes it can be a right dick.
I woke up the other day after a comfortable night in my cosy bed, on my solid back-friendly mattress, and upon attempting to sit up – something I do almost every morning with relative ease – I realised my back had other ideas.
After running through the possible causes of this sudden excruciating pain and inability to move (nocturnal acrobats; a violent attack by a moth; a vengeful imposter hiding inside my mattress and repeatedly punching me in the back every hour on the hour), I decided it was clear that my back was simply being a dick.
There is often no logical reason why one’s back decides to be a dick. The back likes to portray itself as the marine of the human skeleton, but actually it’s a fragile, sly little worm that frankly sometimes just mucks about and displays a very lacklustre approach to its ONE JOB.
Examples of the human back being a dick
Example 1: My dad once hung up his dressing gown, and his back was a dick about it.
Example 2: I once put on a dress, and my back was a dick about it.
Example 3: My friend once walked up the stairs, and his back was a dick about it.
The result of our backs being dicks is that everyday activities take on a whole new dimension of pain, difficulty and humiliation.
Brushing one’s teeth becomes a sorry scene of gargling foaming toothpaste down one’s chest because one cannot bend forward to spit in the sink.
Locking one’s front door becomes a demonstration of extroadinary and unsightly contortion.
Standing for any length of time is simply a big fat bastard.
WHY?? What have we done to deserve such cruel treatment? What does it want from us – to ask permission to use it?? Oh, excuse me Back, but would you mind if I leant forward to retrieve my bottle of water to prevent me from dying of thirst? Is it okay if I crouch down to rescue this baby starling that has become trapped in a discarded Coke can? Would it be terribly inconvenient if I twisted slightly to the right so that I could WIPE MY OWN ARSE???
No. Our backs want us to suffer. They want us to smother them in Deep Heat or Tiger Balm or other astoundingly potent unguents that render us a pest to society’s collective nose, and they want us to become slaves to the remedial back exercise, lying flat on our backs with our knees hugged into our chests at every available humiliating opportunity.
I mean, I’d have made this post longer if my back wasn’t being a dick and making me sit at my desk like this:
BECKY SAYS THINGS 
Being a veritable martyr to the vaguaries of the randomness of Back, I am really pleased to now have a diagnosis…
Hope yours sorts its shit out soonest! xx
That’s awesome! And painfully true!
Sadly, painfully true. Mine is less painful now, but it’s only a matter of time before it decides to be an absolute idiot again.
Thanks for reading 🙂
I went smugly through life with a well-behaved back. Then I turned 50. My back’s favorite pastime is the random sleep injury, because it doesn’t have to limit itself. On some days, it will refuse to allow me to stand up straight. Haha back. On others, it will force me into various contortions to get up and down stairs.
Today it was a right bastard and thought it would be funny if I couldn’t turn my body to look right or left without stabbing pain. Haha back. Now I have to rely on my peripheral vision to drive. And my eyes are complete and utter shits.
Hope you feel better soon and don’t, as I do, go around smelling like Eau d’Tigre Balm all day.
I hate this like button. I don’t like your comment as much as agree completely!
Ohhh the random sleep injury. WHY?????
Your back sounds like an idiot. That’s the thing about backs: they think they’re being funny by not allowing us the simple anatomical function of TURNING, but actually they’re just being absolute dicks.
I hope your back has seen the error of its ways. Unfortunately it will most likely decide to be ‘funny’ again and cause you undue grief and doom.
Haha backs.
Idiots.
I was in a car accident several years ago, and I feel your pain, literally.
Well your back clearly has a very good excuse for being a dick. I hope it’s not too dickish though, and very sorry to hear about the accident. 😦
Next time it plays up just loudly call it a swine and see if it responds.
It was jerkish and laid me out for the weekend, but I’m recovering. For some reason, donuts help. And I just ran out. Ouch.
Back pain gives me an excuse not to do housework or yardwork, or any work, when it’s in the mood to assert itself.
I admit, idiot backs do have their pros, and preventing doing housework is definitely one of them.
Thank you for reading 🙂
totally with you on this one !
I can go months without a peep from my back – other than a general ache if I have to stand for too long – then I’ll wake one morning and find the only way to get out of bed is to slide out sideways, keeping my back straight, then grab hold of the radiator to haul myself upright (not a very dignified sight)
being desperate for a pee during this performance just adds insult to injury!
A PRIME example of backs being evil swines! They remain silent, hiding in the shadows, for ages, then BOOM – you’re hanging onto a radiator in your PJs whilst trying not to soil yourself.
The beauty of life.
Thanks for reading 🙂
My back has always been a dick and now at my age, just breathing sets it off.
Urgh, that sounds like a really dickish back.
You hit the nail with this one—Ouch!! May your back stop being a dick soon.
Thank you! My back has temporarily stopped being a dick, but I just KNOW I haven’t heard the end of it.
Thank you for reading 🙂
The worst part is that once back pain sets in, it doesn’t want to leave. It stays with you for a good, long stretch. Don’t ask me how I know. Just take my word for it.
I love stickman. He’s (she’s?) what makes this URL so special. Have you ever animated him/her?
I feel your pain. Fortunately my back is (at the moment) a fairly brief yet fairly frequent dick, but I do have pals who suffer horrendously for huge periods of time. Not nice.
Thank you for the lovely Stickman comments. I’ve never animated him (even though he is non gender-specific, I do refer to him as ‘him’) purely because I do not possess the tools to do so. But you never know…
I want to meet you someday. I really really do. Like, you are on the loo and I am next to you and you pass a huge load of gas then ask politely for some more toilet paper. Then we will get stone drunk on hard cider and be besties for all time. Yup, that is my dream.
Thank you for the laughs I really really need each and every one. And keep blogging. Please.