‘Crikey Moses, what the hell’s going on over there?’ my splendid international listeners must be wondering. ‘Britain looks like a pair of tangled headphones covered in unidentified soiling that have been found at the bottom of a crud-filled handbag, with one earpiece snapped off and the other one stuffed with wax. What a terrible mess! But it’s okay, I’m sure the Brits themselves know what is going on. They must know what is going on.’
Tell you what, splendid international listeners. I’m going to hold a referendum on whether we Brits know what is going on right now.
So, what you are reading and seeing in the Media – images of a smouldering British wasteland filled with vultures, clowns and flying pigs – is exactly what it feels like.
It seems we’ve learnt the hard way that when you give a very hungry dog a bone, he might just eat it.
Whichever box we crossed on Thursday 23rd June, it is fairly unanimously acknowledged that the immediate outcome has been, how shall I put it, PRETTY SHITTING DIABOLICAL, and we’re now floundering in the smelly discombobulation of an Unexprectit.
But it’s okay, because we Brits have a remarkable ability to remain positive in the face of adversity. It’s the war spirit. We won’t be dispirited by this chaos and uncertainty and anxiety. We have many things to be positive about.
I mean, look, I know it appears to be terrifying and dangerous now, but at least we have a strong and faithful leader to guide us through the most economically, politically, financially and socially difficult times in recent history.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we have strong candidates to guide us through the most economically, politically, financially and socially difficult times in recent history.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we have a sensible leader of the Opposition to rise up and present the country with a strong alternative leader to guide us through the most economically, politically, financially and socially difficult times in recent history.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least everyone who voted Out is sticking by their decision now that we’re Out.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least all the promises that were made about Brexit are being faithfully kept.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we have the football to remind us what a strong footballing nation we are and boost our morale when we need it most.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least it’s nearly July and it’s high summer and the sunny weather will cheer our dampened spirits.
Oh no wait.
But it’s okay, at least we can pack up and escape the country and seek solace in far away lands.
Oh no wait.
Oh.
Shit.
BECKY SAYS THINGS 