royals – BECKY SAYS THINGS

Oh, Prince Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry. The thorn in the Windsors’ side. The royal playboy. The flame-haired scamp that just refuses to stay in his room and play on his Playstation and eat cheese sandwiches in front of The Great British Bake Off. Instead of being sensible and upstanding and shaking hands with lots of people and smiling politely and talking about charities like his brother William, Harry goes off to Vegas and gets naked with a load of girls.

And where’s the harm in that?

I mean come on. It wasn’t that bad. I’m sure Harry has spent a few private minutes singing ‘There Are Worse Things I Could Do’ to himself – because I’m sure there really are worse things he could do.

If he wasn’t going to get up to all sorts of spirited pranks, then he wouldn’t have gone to Vegas. Nothing like the following conversation would have occurred:

Harry: I’m off to Vegas now, Granny.

Queen: Oh, how nice. And what happens over there?

Harry: Well there’s this really interesting museum on desert excavation I want to check out, and I’ve heard the city has an excellent library with a fully air-conditioned reading room, and apparently the Wynn Hotel has a brilliant all-day buffet with the best ice-cream in Nevada, so I’m definitely going to pay that a visit.

Queen: That sounds lovely, dear.

No. That never happened. This was far more likely:

People know what happens over there. Hell, it’s the middle of the desert – what else is there to do? Yes, he might not have thought it through properly, yes, it probably wasn’t the greatest idea an heir to a royal throne has ever had, but let’s not forget that he’s 27, he likes a drink, and William is so very sensible that Harry probably feels there isn’t any sensibleness left for him. So there’s nothing for it but to go and get naked.

But now of course rumours are rippling around that something else

MUCH MORE AWFUL

went down at that party. Something more awful than a young royal stripping down to his crown jewels and playing a spot of billiards. The mind boggles. What could this

MUCH MORE AWFUL

thing be?

I will conjecture that it must be one of the following:

1) A naked Harry snorted cocaine off the inner thigh of a naked girl and got so high he ran starkers round the hotel corridors and emptied all the vending machines of bottled water.

2) A naked Harry had messy and unprotected group sex with eight Las Vegas hookers, one of which turned out to be 94 years-old and had a heart attack and died right there and then, and Harry had to drive out into the middle of the desert and bury her amongst all the other 94 year-old dead hookers that had previously been buried there.

3) A naked Harry got so angry at being beaten at billiards that he had a loud and expletive-ridden row with a naked girl, along the lines of ‘Don’t you know who I am?’, and it escalated quickly and surprisingly, and resulted in several million dollars worth of fire damage, nine onlookers needing reconstructive surgery on their elbows, and an elephant loose in the hotel.

4) A naked Harry ordered 40 of Las Vegas’s top strippers to do an elaborate private dance for him in his hotel suite, but all 40 of them stormed out after just 15 minutes after Harry started making unreasonable demands.

5) A naked Harry was so hungover after his naked vodka-soaked evening that he ordered more room service than the hotel could cope with, causing the kitchens to explode and half the hotel to cave in.

6) A naked Harry forgot he was naked and casually went downstairs the next morning and started playing on the slot machines, smiling at families and old ladies and wondering why they all looked so shocked.

thing was – if indeed it’s anything – I’m sure we’ll soon find out; but until then, let’s just have a bit of a laugh at silly young Prince Harry, possible future monarch, figurehead of our country – because who doesn’t like getting a bit naked every now and then?