There comes a time, cherished listener, when one should wallow in a spot of self-indulgence. And when someone as lovely as Zen Scribbles bestows on me the most superb ABC Award, which demands that the receiver of said award attributes a fascinating titbit about themselves to each letter of the alphabet, then it would be rude not to.
Yes, Stickman. Narcissism, egomania, gasconade. Take your pick. What’s a bit of casual narcissism between friends? And anyway I’m not going to say things specifically about me – I’m going to say 26 things on which I may or may not have an opinion or may directly or indirectly relate to me. Okay? Now shut your noise.
Before I say these 26 excellent things, I would like to lavish this most glorious award on eight fellow bloggers about whom I would very much like to learn 26 things: Speaker 7, Don’t Quote Lily, The Blog of Funny Names, The Bumble Files, A Clown on Fire, The Evolution of Hatred, Happy Zinny and The Very Single Girl.
I can never tell whether you’re being sarcastic or not, Stickman. It’s disconcerting.
And now to it.
26 Things Said By Becky That Relate To Her Either Directly Or Indirectly Or About Which She May Or May Not Have An Opinion
A – ANCHOVIES – The best things since smoked mackerel. Oh, salty, slimy little creatures of joy, please swim around this marinade of olive oil and herbs and then slither onto this chunk of warm ciabatta for I wish to enjoy thee.
B – BREAKFAST – Can’t do without it. Get excited about it. Would happily consume breakfast goods all day long like some manically-depressed student.
No, actually. You’re being very bumptious today, Stickman. Pipe the heck down.
C – CATS – Evil, smug, rude, antisocial, venomous, spawn-of-Satan idiots. They have nothing to be so offensively arrogant about. When I am Queen of All Things they will be shipped to a tiny island that I shall simply call ‘Cat Doom’ and if anyone really misses their obnoxious, unpleasant company, then they are more than welcome to find their way to Cat Doom and get clawed and haughtily stared-out to death, but I want no part of it.
Bit much, Stickman, but I appreciate the sentiment.
D – DEATH – It’s going to happen, sweet listeners. Nothing we can do about that. I do have a few stipulations though: 1) It doesn’t happen any time soon; 2) It’s not painful, long-winded, or embarrassing; 3) It doesn’t inconvenience anyone or ruin anyone’s plans i.e. I’m invited to be a guest speaker at an important event and cop it ten minutes beforehand; 4) It doesn’t involve cats.
E – EGGS
Hush. An important point needs to be made. I enjoy an egg. I find its runny, sinister embryonic core and the potential for chicks to grow inside me rather unnerving, but I can handle an egg. But if anyone puts an egg on a pizza ever again, I swear I will go spare.
F – FALLING OVER – I do this so regularly I have been advised to patent the concept. See here for all you need to know.
G – GROWN-UP THINGS – There are some things that apparently grown-ups need to know about in order to make them grown-ups. So if you don’t know what the FTSE 100 is, or what dividends are; if you have no understanding of government, life insurance, how to change a baby’s nappy, or soy yoghurt; if you have no intention of spending money on mortgages, window cleaners or winter duvets; or if you shudder at words like ‘capital’ and ‘interest-free credit’ and ‘pension’, then does it all mean you’re not a proper grown-up? If so, then I’m not.
H – HYPOCHONDRIA – Not so much now, but back in the day, I had it bad, man. The best example with which to illustrate this point is the day I dragged my two friends to A&E on a Tuesday night because I was convinced I was pregnant, and not only that, but that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. It was cystitis, listener. Cystitis.
I – IDLENESS – I’m guilty of being a little idle every now and then. Who isn’t? But when I stand for literally five minutes debating with myself whether I can be bothered to put the cup I am holding into the dishwasher that is an arm’s length away from me, and then decide I can’t be bothered, place said cup on the worksurface that is just above the dishwasher, it’s nothing short of ridiculous.
J – JULIE ANDREWS – Hold on a minute. I need to gather myself. Deep breath. Must put my head between my legs for a couple of minutes.
Okay. I’m fine.
She is my hero. She is my Queen. Her loveliness, her majesty, her dignity, her elegance, her beauty, her magnificence knows no bounds. I mean, check this out: if you were going to put your faith in one person to sort the entire world’s problems, make everything lovely and ensure that humanity resides indefinitely in happiness and joy, who else would you choose but this person???
If I had to choose one famous person in the whole world to have a cup of tea with, it would be her. Unfortunately I am convinced that I would spoil the meeting by stuttering, wetting myself, being sick and then fainting.
K – KETCHUP FIENDS – Dear People Who Put Ketchup On Literally Everything Even When It’s Not Appropriate, Like On Roast Chicken Or Rice Or Spaghetti Bolognese Or Chinese Takeaways: Stop it. Love, Becky.
L – LONG-WINDEDNESS – What’s that you say, listener? ‘Becky, don’t be silly, you’re not remotely long-winded. Your posts are always very concise, succinct, and get straight to the point with no fannying around whatsoever. Don’t put yourself down so much.’ Ohh, you are too kind, sweet listener. But you know it’s not true. You know I’m long-winded. Why use one word when you can use ten? Why say ‘It’s a nice day’ when you can say ‘The clemency of this unit of time is pleasing to my visual, aural and nasal receptors’? Being long-winded is fun.
M – MEALTIMES – Yes, I know. Food again. But I love mealtimes. My days are structured around them. If my days didn’t look like this:
then they would look like this:
and nobody wants that.
N – NOISY EATERS – Oh, listener. Save me from the crunchers, the squelchers, the salivaters, the juicers, the munchers. I would rather spend a year on Cat Doom Island than spend an hour in a room with a load of noisy eaters eating cornflakes and bananas.
O – OBLONGS – I have no opinion on oblongs.
P – PROCRASTINATING –
Q – The QUEEN – I am an unashamed, loud and proud lover of the Queen. I just think she’s marvellous. A figurehead of everything that made this country great and that we should grip onto with all our might: stoicism, dignity, wit, fortitude and let’s-just-get-the-ruddy-heck-on-with-it. Unfortunately, I think that if I ever met her, the meeting would very strongly resemble my meeting with Julie Andrews.
R – RABBITS – These furry fluffy balls of cuteness have scared the living shit out of me since first being exposed to the film Watership Down as a child. I mean, would you show this to a child????
Irresponsible parenting to the max.
S – SUMMER – Don’t talk to me about summer. For the last million years, our summers here in England have looked like this:
That’s right. A load of black rainclouds beating the crap out of us. For months and months and months. Brilliant.
T – TORTOISES – Urgh urgh urgh. Little reptilian beasts that have been alive for thousands of years and have only just managed to walk from one end of the room to the other. I think what frightens me most is the sheer boredom of being a tortoise and the concept of living forever and achieving literally nothing.
U – UMBRELLAS – Hate them. They annoy me so much I dedicated an entire blog post to them.
V – VICES – We’ve all got to have a vice, listener. Whether it’s drinking, smoking, dancing-privately-in-underwear-to-Wham!, peculiar sex, squirrel breeding, ice cream making or needlework, embrace it, do it in public (within reason) and enjoy it. Squirrel breeding’s a bit weird, though.
W – WRITING – I love it, I hate it. It makes me want to laugh, cry, get drunk, punch a hamster in the face. It beguiles me, it enrages me, it amuses me, it bores me. Yet I keep on doing it. Even if sometimes it makes me want to adopt extreme measures to avoid doing it.
X – X-RAYS – What would we do without them when we got to ‘X’ in any alphabet game ever played?
Y – YULETIDE – Christmas, to those of you who don’t have to think of a word beginning with Y. I love it. It’s sparkly, ridiculous, warm and cosy, and you can get away with stuff you can’t get away with the rest of the year.
Z – ZEBIBYTE – I don’t know what this means, but I came across it having just googled ‘Words beginning with Z’. I think it’s something to do with Maths.
Listen, I felt under a lot of pressure to make the final one really amazing and profound and funny, but I failed, okay? I buckled under the pressure. Leave me alone. You’ve been nothing but rude today.
Anyway, so there you have it. If you managed to listen to that all the way down to the bottom, you have excellent ears, a marvellous constitution, and should perhaps think about taking up a new hobby.
P – PROCRASTINATION – Oh yeah, suppose I should do this one. Er…. so yeah, procrastinating… Um…. Let me just go and make a cup of tea and cook a chicken and I’ll be right back.
30 thoughts on “Becky says things about … herself”
What the hell is that dying rabbit cartoon? Is that serious because, dear god, that is awful. I like the rest of the list tho’ and thanks for sharing the award. I do suffer from P so the likelihood of me doing this is as likely as me finishing this comm–
It’s genuine! Check out clips on YouTube, it’s horrific. Supposed to be for kids but – WTF???
Becky. This was laugh out loud hilarious all the way through! We are so honored that you even know who we are, let alone appreciate what we do enough to bestow upon us the extraordinary ABC award! We generally have a “no blog awards” policy, but will likely be making an exception. No promises that it’ll happen or that it’ll be even a smidge as funny as this post, but then again, we never claimed to have your wit. Even with 8 of us combined!
Jeez, Dave, enough with the compliments! 😉 Your blog is ruddy hilarious, and well deserving of any accolade that comes your way. The very concept of dedicating a blog to people with funny names is one that makes me very happy indeed 🙂
I’m glad to hear that! However, please note that the compliments won’t stop coming until you stop being ruddy hilarious yourself! 🙂
Woo! I’m one of seven people chosen by Becky! That in itself is a reward 😀 I rarely carry on this trend but on this occasion I probs will do it as I find myself needing excuses to blog nowadays! The challenge will be to come up with an equally awesome list as what you’ve accumulated here. It’s probably gonna be sex related so that’s something everyone can look forward to!
fabulously awesome per usual. And I’m loving all the food shout-outs 🙂 Yay Becky and yay Stickman. Laugh out loud funny, all of it.
Awww thank you 🙂 To be honest, I’m surprised all my posts haven’t been solely dedicated to food because it’s pretty much all I think about! Thank you for reading 🙂
Hey, cool…thanks for the nod. 😉 I haven’t done one of these in a while…but it’s perfect timing because I’ve been running out of things to say. 🙂
I don’t have a stickman though, so it won’t be nearly as entertaining. =/
You’re so welcome Lily! Glad I’ve given you something to say! 😉 And stickmen aren’t everything – your charm and your wit sees you through no problem 😉
I usually don’t care for lists, but yours saved me from a Toni Collette movie, and a teenage dong. Best stickman list, ever.
Oh cripes, a Toni Collette movie? I’m pleased I saved you if it was one of her awful saccharine chick flicks, but not so pleased if it was one of her awesome films like Little Miss Sunshine (LOVE that film) or Muriels Wedding. Genius, both. Thank you for reading, from me and Stickman!
You’re so hilariously funny. I love you. I once had eggs in nachos! That was all wrong. I love cats, too, but I understand you wanting them to go to Cat Doom island. Thanks for thinking of me. I will try to comply because you’re so ruddy brilliant. But, I won’t have any stickman in mine. Dang it!
Eggs in nachos?! Urgh, that is vile. I’d send you to Cat Doom Island if you ever ate that in front of me. But I’ll forgive you because you said such lovely things 😉 You’re very welcome on the award, you deserve it!
That was absolutely hilarious. I was secretly hoping you would draw stick figures for this, and you did not disappoint! Breakfast is awesome, Julie Andrews is indeed magnificent, and noisy eaters need to have their mouths duct-taped. Though I’m afraid I do like bunnies!
We clearly have much in common! Imagine having breakfast with Julie Andrews! I bet you can’t even hear her munching, her teeth are probably made of silk.
Julie Andrews loves cats.
Falling over can be dangerous,broken arms,leg,neck deep gashes but the first thing to check when it happens is to see if anyone is watching and if so ,are they laughing!!
Yep, if I can amuse someone by hurting myself badly, I’m happy! Thanks for reading 🙂
Congratulations – you’ve been nominated for a Liebster award! To find out more go to http://theimaginator.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/i-got-a-liebster-award/
Cystitis is pretty unfunny. A&E for cystitis *is* pretty funny” 🙂
Also, I am TOTALLY with you on (a) Julie Andrews and (b) noisy eaters. OMG what if Julie Andrews turned out to *be* a noisy eater?!!! *dies*
That was brilliant; particularly liked the Julie Andrews one and the procrastination one. Genius.
Thank you! Glad you liked the procrastination bit, I was quietly happy with that one… 🙂
Wow I’m glad I found your blog 🙂
Thank you! I’m glad you found it too! 🙂
10 out of 10 for Julie Andrews
Ah hahaha! I was curious what the image of the clouds beating the crap out of us was! So funny!
And the tortoise coming a leeeetle bit too late to give pleasure of milk to the human haha.
The flatline—- DESPAIR was pretty frickin hilarious too.
I just love how you incorporate those simple and relevant drawings into your writing here.
You. Are. Wonderfully. Human.
And I love it.
Ah, thanks so much, I really appreciate that 🙂 I’ve got to admit, the tortoise picture had me giggling for a full ten minutes. Giggling AT MYSELF. What a loser 😉 Thanks for reading!
Reblogged this on vocalvaper and commented:
Becky is another HILARIOUS lady!
Thank you 😉