I recently made a throwaway confession on my Facebook page which went thus:
Porridge is revolting. There, I said it.
The comments I received were so numerous and passionate in their defence of porridge (good book title, that: In Defence of Porridge. Hands off, that one’s mine) that it rather took me aback. It also pleased me greatly that I had done something I don’t normally do: made a controversial statement. It made me feel quite the new woman.
So, spurned by my new-found rebelliousness and disregard for people’s opinions, I decided I would make some more confessional controversial statements. It’s rather liberating, you see. Rid myself of my deepest, darkest secrets and put them out there for people to do with what they will. Because I just don’t care. I am a law unto myself. FREEDOM!!
1. I quite often find children intolerable.
Thought I’d start with a nice evil one, but also one which I know will have a lot of you biting your lip and nodding in a ‘Thank God someone else does too’ kind of way.
Kids are cute, I’ll give them that. Not all kids, mind. There are some repulsive children out there, the sort where it is literally impossible to smile benignly and say to the mother ‘Awwww, she is adorable, you must be so excruciatingly proud to have spawned such a beautiful creature.’
But I can handle ugly children. I’ll just look at them and wince a bit, and there’s no harm done. It’s children’s behaviour I can’t handle. Now, I know that by their very undeveloped and uneducated and un-everything nature, children can be expected to act in ways that are perhaps socially and humanely undesirable, such as throwing tantrums when they don’t get their own way, or crying when they’re tired or hungry, or winging and being unreasonable and refusing every offer of food, sleep, warmth, entertainment and affection, but I just can’t help wanting to kneel in front of them and say very quietly:
And as for letting them win at stuff – well. Perhaps fortunately, I am yet to have my own children, because those children, when / if they eventually turn up, will have to learn the hard way that, guess what: LIFE IS NOT A BOWL OF RUDDY CHERRIES. So you’re not very good at hitting a shuttlecock with a badminton racket, and you’re desperate to beat your mum or at least get the bloody thing over the net, and your mum might shout words of encouragement and advice from the other end of the garden, but you know what she won’t do?
Hell no. Because you haven’t won, have you? You can’t even get the bloody thing over the net. And years later, when you sit down in an interview room for the job of your dreams and the interviewer doesn’t say ‘You sat down in that chair very nicely, you’ve got the job,’ you won’t be disappointed. Then you’ll thank me.
2. If I were Queen, I would ban football, tennis and golf from ever being shown on television.
It’s a Wednesday evening. You’ve had a hard day at work. Your boss doesn’t respect you and someone used up all your milk. You want a nice quiet drink down the pub to relax. You get to the pub and are confronted with this:
You spend the next hour listening to loud and fascinating opinions on the rules of football and the moral integrity of the referee, punctuated by brain-imploding cheers or teeth-aching expletives, knowing that at the end of 90 minutes you can look forward to a detailed analysis of the previous 90 minutes by those people who have just spent 90 minutes watching the 90 minutes and talking about the 90 minutes whilst watching the 90 minutes.
Or you get home from work one day in late June to find that your house has burnt down, destroying every possession you ever owned, with no hope of salvaging anything whatsoever, and you call a friend for some support.
Or you’ve just run someone over and you’re quite keen to get it off your chest, so you go down the pub and sit next to your mate and have the following conversation:
You: Mate, I really need to –
Mate: Shh.
You: What? I just need –
Mate: Shh.
You: Why are you shhing me?
Mate: Tiger’s about to take a par 6.
You: What?
Mate: Shh.
You: Look, me talking in a pub in England is not going to disturb Tiger Woods playing golf in Florida –
Mate: Shh.
You: Mate, I really need some support here –
Mate: Shh.
Enough said. Of all sports, it’s those three that ruin the most lives.
3. I couldn’t really care less about animals.
Now let’s get one thing straight. With the exception of cats, I do not want to perform animal genocide and rid the world of every living animal on earth. I’m fine with coexisting in a world with animals. I really like dogs. I quite like sheep, and I’ve definitely got quite a lot of time for most ducks, especially mallards. But a photo of a horse leaning down to nuzzle its foal and the words Motherhood is Beautiful written across it will take me dangerously close to animal genocide.
And I resent the fact that, just because I can’t get excited about your 3,503 blurred photographs of the back-end of an elephant from your African safari, it does not mean I deserve this:
And yes, that is the blood of a newborn kitten I am drinking.
4. I have never seen Back to the Future, The Godfather, Rocky, The Karate Kid, Labrynthe, The Breakfast Club, Star Wars, or Top Gun, and I thought Ghostbusters was rubbish.
When I was a child, having to admit that I had never seen any of the above films was something I dreaded. It was social suicide. Mockery, shunnage, and active disdain would ensue. My pleas of ‘But I have seen Gone with the Wind, Singin’ in the Rain, The Man Who Would Be King, and I thought the BBC adaptation of I, Claudius was simply marvellous’ fell on deaf ears.
But as I got older, identifying a social situation in which I could drop this bombshell gave me more and more pleasure:
You know what, I’ve got through 28 years without ever having seen those films, and I’ve done okay. And what’s more, I’m shocked and appalled when you tell me you’ve never seen Strictly Ballroom, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Calamity Jane, Mary Poppins, The Railway Children or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And the more shocked you act when I tell you what films I haven’t seen, and the more you tell me I absolutely have to watch them or else I will be a social outcast for all eternity, the less likely I am to ever watch them.
That’s just how it works.
5. I would rather have a holiday in Las Vegas than help build a school in Africa.
I’m a nice person, honest. Just like you’re a nice person. We’re all nice people, really. But if someone said to you ‘I’ll pay for you to go to Las Vegas, stay in the most expensive suite on the Strip, give you £5,000 to spend, and book you in at the best breakfast buffet in the city, or … you can go to a small African village and help build a school that the community so desperately needs’, think very long and hard about your answer.
Believe me, if I had Bill Gates’ dosh, I’d get a whole heap of schools built over there – I mean, they wouldn’t be able to move for schools and wells and hospitals and housing.
I’d just also spend a hell of a lot of time squandering heaps of cash and indulging in sordid debauchery in Las Vegas, that’s all.
I feel much better after confessing all that. All that remains for me to do is sit back and await the hate mail…*
*Please don’t send me hate mail.
BECKY SAYS THINGS 
I’m going to write something controversial to keep with the spirit of this post:
I hate when people write LOL. It makes me want to commit baby animal genocide not just regular animal genocide, but fuck it, if this post did not make me LOL. Especially the alien head child.
I’ve been trying to decide whether you can commit baby animal genocide without also committing regular animal genocide (or vice versa), and so far the only thing I’m sure of is that one or the other of us is really bad at genocide.
I suppose, of all the things I don’t mind being bad at in this life, genocide is one of them. Probably a good thing, all things considered.
I can’t abide LOL either but as my blog makes you LOL and your blog makes me LOL then we can both do a big LOL 😉
How can you NOT have seen Star Wars??? Heathen!
See? That’s the reaction I get. And you saying that has just added another year to my quota of ‘Years in which I shall not watch Star Wars’. I think I’m up to the year 2746 now…. 😉
The only movie of your list that I have seen is Star Wars, and then not until well through college. I do not think you’re a social pariah for not having seen them 🙂
That’s good to know! I’m glad there are other folk out there who spent their life watching better films…. 😉
No hate on this side, Bex, I’m with every step of the way!
HURRAH!!! Let us rule the world!!
I love when Becky says things. Becky will not be destroyed!
I totally agree. We cannot destroy her. She is too valuable.
I am so PLEASED I’m not going to be destroyed! I’d hate that.
Yes Becky, you are a tad evil, and perhaps on the verge of destructibility, but no one will destroy you if you keep writing comedic gold like this.
I agree with you on the children point, and frankly, also on the three sports you mentioned (I’m a boxing fan myself, and will watch some college basketball). As for the movies, we all have a few of those that people are blown away by and I agree it is fun to drop that bombshell that you have never seen a James Bond film all the way through, or whatever. I’d love to read your Becky Says Things analysis of The Breakfast Club or The Karate Kid, because I consider them heartwarming, if campy, little tales. Given your dislike of sports, I’d say stay away from Rocky (one of my favorite films… I just couldn’t handle seeing you crush it in such a brutally honest way that I couldn’t help but agree with), and the others are meh in my book.
I’m in awe of how people use “middle class” so differently on the other side of the pond… wow. But any thing that yields the phrase “pretentious, snobbish, lazy, boring, know-all, ordinary, coffee-quaffing, sushi-guzzling twatfaces” is fine with me.
As for building a school in Africa… I think good, hard, meaningful work like that is good for the soul and gives you a lot of good, positive memories, so I’d probably go with that over Vegas. There’s something to be said for anything that can make me use “good” three times in one sentence before noticing I’ve done so. Then again, I’ve been to Vegas a lot more times than I’ve been to Africa, but that may be because of proximity and finances.
Anyway, you’re only slightly evil, and that’s not enough to justify destroying you, and plus, you make up for it with extraordinary humor, so I won’t off you just yet.
Yet.
Wow, in-depth analysis, I LIKE it.
I know, my soul would benefit hugely from building schools in Africa, and if I was given the offer of doing it, I definitely would… I’m just saying that if it was a toss up between that and VEGAS….. I’d have more trouble…
And out of all the films I mentioned, Rocky is the only one I’d actually quite like to see, you’ll be pleased to know 🙂
Thank you for only considering me slightly evil, and thank you for being so terribly nice 🙂
Singing in the Rain is a favourite of mine, so I’ll forgive you for your lack of Bill-Murray-kicking-ghost-butt-and-being-hilarious-about-it love 😉
Wow, when you describe Ghostbusters like that, it IMMEDIATELY makes me want to watch it! You’ve changed my life!
Lol! Oh – Becky – don’t tease me.I have a deep and undying love for Bill Murray, and if you watched the film and were your usual hilarious self while giving it, say, a less than kind review … well. I just don’t know how I’d cope!
Yes you are a tad evil and it’s a good thing. Oh, is this not the hate mail you were expecting? I haven’t seen all those movies…I’ll whisper that. I never saw Labrynthe. The truth is you can’t see everything anymore so it makes sense to watch what you want. As for the African village, I’ll meet you at the strip. How often do we get a vacation? I didn’t do very well on this hate mail. I failed!!
Thank God I’ve got a friend to meet in Vegas! I thought I was on my own for a minute….
And I’ve got to say, that was my favourite piece of hate mail. Ever.
Not sure where to go with this one, Becky, as there’s no food. (except for the introductory porridge which doesn’t sound very good at all) I will say that reading about your dislike for children on (U.S.) Mother’s Day is a bit off, but I get that it’s not happening in your part of the world today and also that you are not a mother. I would expect you to like my kids (I usually do), but I hear you on not liking kids overall as I only like mine and a few others. I like my cat very much, thank you, though not so much other animals. Didn’t even like cats until we got one.
Back to the food: Vegas would have way better edibles (and drinkables, yes), but I think I’d go to Africa. Actually hate that I’m saying that, but there you have it…I’m a saint. (hahahahaha, I am not.) But I’d go to Africa over Vegas (maybe see some elephants?) as I’m not a big Vegas fan.
In the end, appreciate your honesty. Of course you shouldn’t be destroyed. Just stay away from my kids and cat 😉
Yes, I had no idea it was Mothers Day in the U.S. See, this is the sort of crass thing I do. See my post on verbal diarrhoea for further evidence.
Vegas had the best breakfast buffet I’ve ever had, and I actually had one of the most amazing steaks I’ve ever had in Vegas… but it’s probably better to be a saint 😉
And I’m sure your kids are adorable (not sure about the cat though)
🙂
Well, if you should be destroyed then so should I. I’m so glad you said the thing about kids…! And the movies… I haven’t seen 95% of those either, and I’m doing quite fine! Reading this, I was just nodding my head in total agreement. Clearly, pure evil. 🙂
Yayy!! I’m so pleased, I did feel a bit evil, especially as I had literally NO IDEA it was mother’s day in America when I posted it saying I hated kids….. Awkward…
Seeing your cartoon/comment about what you would what like to do to police. Do they have to be good looking and is age material??
Takes a lot of gut to fess up! I’m with you on the first confession – absolutely can’t stand the annoying ones, and I never call an ugly baby “cute”; I just nod and smile politely at the mother. If I absolutely have to say something, I compare the baby to the mother or the father. Kinda mean, I know. >.>
I’ve never watched any of those movies either! Yay partners in crime. Nobody will tell me which movies I ought to watch to attain the hip & cool status!
Damn right! Let us be cinematic rebels together! As for comparing ugly children to their parents – pure genius / evil. 🙂
Fantastic!
I’m with you on #1. I actually have a child, a boy and he is 9. And yes, he actually is pretty good looking. However, I am with you 1000% percent on NOT letting them win all the time. What does that teach them? Well it teaches them to be the teens and 20ish humans of today who want everything handed to them on a silver platter and their asses wiped for them. Nope, my kid can work towards the goal and it will be more satisfying for him when he does “win” because he would have done it genuinely. I have been known to be the “get up you’re fine” type of mother.
Ah..animals (your #2), I am actually a cat person but I respect and understand why someone wouldn’t like animals. They are alot of work sometimes! I sometimes feel like I have another child, except this one is furry and can claw my eyes out if I don’t feed him when HE wants. Still, I love my cat because when he is nice and cuddly, its so theraputic. I’m ok with dogs to. But anything that is wild (possums, rats, coyotes, etc..) they can all rot! Ha you should read about my recent trip to Sea World, San Diego, CA. Lots of animals there 😛 http://amorainbette.wordpress.com/2013/03/18/289/
But who doesn’t love Penguins!
Your #5..whoa WHOA! You haven’t seen Labyrinth? The movie starring Davie Bowie and his Package!?!? I won’t berate you for that, but you are missing out…..
Over all, you are evil and must be destroyed..
I am KIDDING! That was a fun read! Very entertaining and I give it 2 thumbs up! Great family fun!
Okay, except for the animals thing and the movie thing, you and I are on the same page. I don’t like kids much, I have no desire to join the Peace Corps or Habitats for Humanity or any of that stuff, and man, do I love me some Vegas.
Hooray! Let’s meet on the Strip and throw donuts at kids!
Great confessions! I hate porridge, watching football and golf and I’ve never seen some of those movies either.
Excellent! Seems I’m not alone!
Woah! almost all of this except the Las Vegas part I can so relate to! This is evilness and confessions at its best
Haha, evilness and confessions are a fine mix! Glad you relate to it!
I’m with you on the kid thing. I love my nephews and there are a few kids that just about pass for cute, but I generally hate the vast majority of children. The thought of having children makes me feel physically sick – I mean both the act of childbirth as well as raising the little bastards.
I am afraid I am a massive sucker for animals though. Maybe I prefer animals to people?? Anyway, I can’t watch anything where an animal might get injured, but people being hurt and dying, I’m mostly not too bothered. 🙂
Hah, from one honest person to another 😉 The thought of having children makes me also feel physically sick. I’d actually rather just get a puppy, at least I wouldn’t have to push it through my vagina.
Thanks for reading 😉
I swear, u made me pee in my pants 5 times and I only read 2 of your posts! LOL You r absolutely hilarious! Keep it up!!
P.s.: totally agree about the kid thing, the movies and the games..there, I said it too!
You peed your pants 5 times in 2 posts? Christ. Maybe you should read the rest on the toilet… 😉
Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it, glad I made you laugh! And I’m delighted other people agree on the kid thing! 🙂
Becky, it’s not that you should be ‘ashamed’ of being middle class, but your comment is callous and unthoughtful. Of course you should ‘like’ being middle class, because it most likely means you’re more fortunate, have more opportunities and probably a better standard of living than most working class (who are not necessarily in such circumstances out of choice). It is exactly this type of attitude which causes an ‘us vs. them’ mentality on both sides. And you say you’re not ashamed of ‘having half a brain’ as if those who are working class (and below) are somehow less intelligent? Social inequality is a serious matter and this type of attitude is not helping anything, other than affirming its existence.
How disappointing…
David, I can only apologise if you’ve taken offence at my statement. I can assure you it was meant only light-heartedly, and not intended to cause offence. However, I can see your point of view, and I do agree that I haven’t best expressed or thought out my tongue-in-cheek comment, and therefore I shall remove the section from the post to prevent causing any further offence.
Thank you for your comments.
This post is also rather offensive. If we were to replace ‘middle class’ with ‘white’ (or any other ethnicity) then it becomes apparent why such a statement is not really acceptable:
“I like being ‘white’ and I’m not ashamed of having half a brain (which necessarily implies other ethnicities have less than half a brain).”
“I like being ‘middle class’ and I’m not ashamed of having half a brain (which means people who are less fortunate in terms of wealth, career or upbringing have less than half a brain).”
Replace ‘middle class’ which any other adjective describing a group/class of people based on something which they most likely didn’t choose (social position, race, language, sexuality, etc.) and surely you will see that, while it would be terribly offensive and inappropriate to write such a statement regarding race/colour, somehow it’s acceptable for you to write it based on social class??
Once again, I can only apologise that I have caused offence. My posts are all very tongue-in-cheek and hope that they are taken with the light-hearted humour that they are intended; however, everyone is entitled to their opinion and I cannot control individual interpretation. As I said, I will remove the section of the post to avoid further upset.
Thanks Becky, nice to see bloggers who care about their readers comments and opinions. Now I can continue reading assured that you’re not *totally* evil!
No I’m not totally evil 😉
Glad you will continue reading. I only ever set out to make people chuckle, I’m not out to cause controversy or offence – but then, it’s impossible to please everyone! 🙂